Obligatory Time Jump Title Card
Posts
Letters to Anxiety
Edit from the future for some context:
Summer of 2015 I learned that I had been living with undiagnosed anxiety. And not just for a few years, but likely for my whole life. To say that the coping mechanisms that I had learned in those 25 years were "bad" is a significant understatement. It took me 3 years from this point to learn enough healthy coping mechanisms to -start- to tip the balance in the right direction, and another 2 years before I stopped using "failure" as a label for myself.
Of all the posts on this blog, this one is the one I've wanted to delete the most. Just look at it! It's so cringey!! But, for better or for worse, I've decided that it gets to stay. It was an honest moment in time, and I don't have the heart to hide it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You suck.
Sincerely, Me
P.S. I'm going to start writing you letters. I won't say daily (because we all know that isn't going to happen!), but I'm gonna start a collection on here. Like, on this single post. This will either flop or be really interesting to look back on.
P.P.S. Either way, no need to reply.
P.P.P.S. Srsly. Don't.
P.P.P.P.S. Putting in a line break thing so that only those who want to have to read the post that will maybe get really really really long. You have to click on the clicky thing to read more.
[Edit from the future to remove the page break because it doesn't work on the new blogger anyway. It didn't end up being all that long of a post, but brace yourself: this is the cringey part :P]
2015-Dec-27
Hey Bird-Breath,
I think I found our song...
Didn't think we could have a song did ya?
Me neither.
But I heard it today and I realized that it's perfect, I've been singing it with us in mind all evening.
Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
Right?!?
...you don't get it? You say that has nothing to do with anxiety?
You'd be wrong. Behold, the lyrics (plus commentary):
.....
I took my love and took it down
[You're my "love"] [Not in the romantic sense, gross. But somehow, my brain has a connection with you that it is unwilling to let go of... perhaps you can see where I'm going with this already...]
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
[This feels like it has literally happened in my figurative emotional/mental space, like, daily. Climbin' those little mountains that look like success to mostly just me when BLAM! THANKS FOR THE LANDSLIDE, ANXIETY]
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? [Well, mirror...?]
Can the child within my heart rise above? [... ... But really, can it...?]
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? [... .... But really, can I...?]
Can I handle the seasons of my life? [.... um. You know this is starting to sound like one of those thought spirals I get into... I bet you wish your doubtsy lies were as pretty sounding.]
Well, I've been afraid of changing [HA! You don't say?]
'Cause I've built my life around you [...This is becoming undeniable.]
But time makes you bolder [I hope so.]
Even children get older [Truth! ...and that child I once was has become ME]
And I'm getting older too [...I've changed a lot more than you want me to believe, haven't I]
Well, I've been afraid of changing [But apparently I've done more than I realized!]
'Cause I've built my life around you [And you are a rotten life-core, f'reals.]
But time makes you bolder [Wow! This has been a really powerful 5 seconds of song!>
Even children get older [Yeah they do!]
And I'm getting older too [Yeah I am!]
Oh, I'm getting older too [Repeating it for emphasis! I totally am!]
I take my love, take it down [YES!]
I climb a mountain and turn around [This mountain is way better than that last mountain, too.]
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down? [Oh, I hope so!]
[I need to repeat that to give me time for pondering how to cause a literally figurative landslide]
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down? oh, oh [uh oh for you...?]
The landslide bring you down [*evil grin*]
.....
OH YEAH! Feel that light shining into this darkness!! MM FEELS GOOD!
Best wishes (but not actually), Me
Dear Love, About Boxing Day...
I haven't blogged in months.
This is mostly because I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety in this time and had the (decidedly disabling) thought that if I blogged at all, I should write about anxiety...
Turns out that it is kind of anxiety inducing to write about anxiety.
So I'm cutting myself free of that for now and I'm sure I'll write about it eventually, just not when it's a "should" write about that, but instead a "want to" write about that.
I'm going to write instead about something very currently important.
Dear Love,
I need to talk to you about Boxing Day.
Yes, December 26th. It's on a Saturday this year.
(It's not important that it's on a Saturday, I was just pointing it out because I'm nervous.)
So here the thing... Boxing Day is a big deal for my mom's side of the family; it's a big family reunion and all that jazz.
And, well, I was kinda hoping you would be able to come this year.
BUT that probably won't happen (let's face it, the window of time is a little unrealistically small even with it months away), so that sucks.
My extended family is made of great people, but still this annual reunion is always a bit of a sour reminder of my singleness.
I'm the youngest one there (besides the kids of the next generation) so it's not entirely unreasonable that I am one of the only two single people remaining, but still there's always at least one haha-so-funny cousin that elbows the two of us and says "So... *waggling eyebrows* Who's next?? EhEh?"
Ha ha.
But more than the thought of yet another year arm-candy-less (I've handled that fine enough before now), it sucks in particular that you will (probably) miss THIS year.
...I will not cry.
Seriously, this is upsetting enough on it's own, you poor-timing-ed jerk!!
For every year I can remember, this gathering has been in one place -- my aunt and uncle's farm house.
I love this house and the way that the whole family fits in it and all the memories that have been made there and how they fill my heart to the brim!! I want you to see it so badly!!
But... This is probably the last year that I will have the opportunity to show it to you... Dang it, now I am crying.
It sucks that I, not only (probably) have to show up single again, but I will maybe never have the chance to be in that house with you possibly... ever...
It was a milestone -- bringing the boyfriend to that reunion at that house -- that I never even thought to imagine not hitting.
I think that's why it sucks so much.
It's sad when you realize you've taken something for granted, but it's especially sad to realize you've realized it too late.
...I wish it wasn't nearly, probably too late.
There's still time, but not very much of it... I believe in us, but even that seems like a stretch, doesn't it? Who knows, maybe I'll be surprised.
We'll see.
Love, Em.
A Case of the Lonelies: A Misguided Journey to (Maybe) a Better Understanding of Perspective and Empathy
Loneliness kinda sucks, you know?
Everyone does know, I suppose, but I'm realizing that it's really hard for anyone to really empathize with loneliness unless they are also presently feeling lonely.
Turns out my strangely sudden melancholic loneliness has turned me into a philosopher (is philosopher the right word?) and I'm taking you along on a hike through my brain. Try not to get distracted; it's really not safe to wander in here.
First, we need to talk about perspective.
As is often the case with negative things, once you're no longer surrounded by the darkness, it's instinctive to look back and see that what was once overwhelming looks really quite insignificant from the outside.
They call that perspective.
The thing about perspective is that sometimes it lies.
We want to trust our perspective, but we really shouldn't. Have you ever seen an optical illusion? How about a mirage?
Perspective lies to us on both sides of the good-bad cookie; misleading you while you're surrounded by trouble as well as when you are outside looking in.
Perspective isn't a bad guy, though. He's faithful to telling the truth as he sees it. It's not his fault that he doesn't understand his own bias.
But we do. And just like we would if a little kid confidently told us that Santa exists, we shouldn't just blindly accept what perspective says. That's nice, kid, but I know better.
Now that we're on the same page on perspective let's get back to talking about loneliness, shall we.
I really do believe that loneliness is a universal virus. Everyone has had it at some point. Which would mean, one would think, that everyone should be able to empathize with a lonely person; we've all been there, right?
No.
Because perspective is (a liar) unable to see loneliness properly from the outside.
In seeking comfort from people I ran into a couple of well-meaning attempts to help give me a better perspective. I've done it a million times (who hasn't?), and I know they meant well, I'm only pointing it out because it helped me realize something important.
Empathy, by nature, should not be given by someone who isn't currently in the dark with you, or able to go back into the dark in their minds. Attempts at empathy from the "outside" perspective can make things worse... let me try to explain...
Empathy is like a flashlight.
Have you ever tried to navigate through the dark without a light?
Camping used to be a good example of this, but now everyone camps in trailers and no one understands the treacherousness of that walk from the tent to the outhouse in the dead of night with a flashlight that can't illuminate for beans.
My youth group (if anyone from there is reading this) would probably think of a game called Gorgon. Walking familiar rooms in complete darkness really messes with perspective's view of reality.
Work with me here... Imagine you're surrounded by complete darkness. You know you want to get out, but you don't know which way. So you focus; try to force your eyes to adjust so you can see something, anything to give you a clue. You feel a little helpless. Maybe a lot helpless. You call out for help.
Two scenarios of what happen next:
One. A well-meaning person on the "outside" hears you and wants to help you. They turn on their empathy flashlight and shine it in at you. Here's the problem: their perspective is lying to them about how dark it is "inside". Their light is too bright. You are blinded and you feel like this person doesn't understand anything about what you're going through! It hurts. You can use it -- walking towards it slowly, trying not to open your eyes too much -- but it's uncomfortable.
Two. Somebody in the dark with you (or someone brave enough to walk back in) hears you and wants to help you. They find you in the dark. They turn on their empathy flashlight. (There's a problem here too, sorry to say, because darkness is tricky.) Their perspective (your perspective) is lying to you both about how dark it is "inside". You think the dark is all consuming, and undefeatable. The flashlight is only turned on halfway and pointed at the ground. But that's enough to shift your helpless perspective! You turn on your empathy flashlight too -- slowly so it doesn't hurt your eyes. You and your new friend slowly reimagine the darkness and let your lights shine brighter and farther until you can navigate the way out together.
Both helpful people, but one may prolong hurt, the other may hasten understanding.
I don't know... maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and think this is all nonsense and I should not blog while recently emotional, but right now I'm feeling downright inspired!
Empathy depends on putting aside your perspective and adopting theirs, no matter how wrong it is, until their perspective can understand the truth more clearly than the lies.
Goodnight, Lovelies.
30 Days of Blogging - Day 4: Youth Ministry
Apparently the lesson from day 2 didn't fully sink in yet... Especially taking into account that on Fridays I'm rarely home before midnight thanks to Youth. Case in point... It is 1:40am and I'm finally home.
So technically I missed making a post on day 4, but I haven't fallen asleep yet so the day isn't really over.
I'm gonna let it slide.
Anyways, what I really want to talk about today is the Youth Ministry. I've mentioned it on the blog before, but I don't think I've ever really explained anything about it. Allow me to timeline it for you now...
2002
12 year old Emmi joins the Youth Group. She's young, she's shy, and she's going through a lot (at least it feels like it). This year she misses a lot of school because of still unexplained health issues and ends up dropping out of the public school mid-semester and opting for correspondence. Youth, though she doesn't feel like she fits in, becomes a very important part of weekly life.
2003-2007
The Youth ministry is an ever evolving thing, with Youth Leaders changing out semi-regularly and the Youth themselves growing up and out of the age bracket. Young Emmi grows up too and gets progressively more and more involved in different ministries at the church. She becomes less shy, though it still pops up every now and then, and life continues to be tough, though when isn't it, really?
2007-2008
Eventually the new batch of youngens grows up into the age bracket, but the gap in ages is uncomfortably big (at least it feels like it). But Leaders are few, so the older girls, myself included, become the Senior Youth and we proceed to be our own leaders. (It seemed like a good idea at the time...). I really enjoyed this quasi leadership thing, though in retrospect, I was sorely unqualified.
2008-2009
Young Emmi is finally 18/19 and begins to be involved as a leader-in-training for the Junior Youth. Which is to say I showed up, because there really wasn't much training being done. The leadership in this time was strong. It was awesome.
2010
We lose a lot of youth and leaders to church switching. In the spring I begin to think I'm too young to be taking on as much leadership as is suddenly being expected of me, and I share this with my fellow remaining youth leaders. God must have had other plans though, because within a month suddenly I was the ONLY 'senior' leader left. For the remaining month and a half before summer, me and the older youth were just figuring it out as we went.
2010-2012
I find myself being the 'most experienced' youth leader that we have. I make it work. Each year I'd get a new batch of bible school student, and we figured it out. There were always a couple of months where the college students would be done their schooling (and thusly, off on their merry way) and the senior youth, myself, and whomever felt called to be involved would make sure that the Ministry stayed alive.
2012-2014
I become the official Youth President. There are many months where I am literally the only leader. I learn more than ever before what it means to rely on God. I rarely feel like I'm the leader the group needs or deserves; I just happen to be the one it has. I do my best. I develop more meaningful relationship with as many youth as I can, and truly this of period of time is the utmost highlight of the whole experience. I was (and still am) not even close to the ideal leader. But this period gave me the opportunity to actually devote my time to the youth and not to having to manage a bunch of here-today-gone-tomorrow college students, and my life was filled with the blessing of friendships with a lot of awesome people.
2014-now
I've handed over the reins to the next up-and-comer (sad to say, he probably feels the same way I felt in the position) in preparation for leaving (eventually, someday, hopefully). I'm still there, doing mostly the same things, just less involved in the planning and responsibility.
It has been on my mind a lot lately how the last several years were certainly life-changing and totally invaluable to my growth and the growth of a lot of the Youth, but at the same time, I wish it could have been different.
More training, stronger/wiser leadership, less apathetic youth and leaders, more gospel fire. I don't even know.
I'm praised (for lack of a better word) for my commitment and steadfastness, and the impact I've had on the youth.
But I can't help but wonder how much more could have been done if the years had not gone as they did.
I'm equal parts sad, and proud, and encouraged, and scared, and satisfied, and disheartened, and worried, and hopeful. Which is a really annoying headspace to be in.
I love my little youth group, I hope I've done and continue to do them well.
Until later today, Lovelies.
Dear Love, (A Collection)
Dear Love,
It's been a long time since I wrote to you last. (I just reread that post... some of it is facepalm worthy...)
Turns out it has been a couple months less than a year, but really, what's so special about anniversaries anyway? Today is the 283rd day-versary, and I think that's as good as any reason to celebrate :)
And by "celebrate", I mean sit alone on my bed and begin to write a series of mini-letters to someone I don't yet know of (or at least, not as Love yet).
Someday I won't have to write mystery letters to you, I will be able to just talk to you.
That will be nice, don't you think?
Yours,
-Em
Dear Love,
Have we met? Did you like like me? Did I like like you?
Oh gosh, you probably witnessed my failure to flirt... that's embarrassing.
Do you think about dating me sometimes? Have I wondered the reverse?
This is confusing... and occasionally stress-inducing.
Yours,
-Em
Dear Love,
Your absence has been of note lately.
Normally, I can be objective and understand that loneliness is not always negated by the presence of another person; I understand that loneliness is usually just a perception of isolation that anyone (regardless of relationship status) can perceive and believe.
But still, it's hard not to miss your potential presence when I frequently find myself being the third, fifth, seventh wheel... yeah... that's not so fun for single Emmi...
Not to rush you. Seriously, take whatever time you need!
...But also (if convenient) hurry up already, would you?
Yours,
-Em
Dear Love,
Today I experienced a huge God-filled ministry high that I wish I could tell you all about!!
Somehow this makes me more sad than feelings of loneliness -- to not be able to share my excitement with you on this! The people that I would normally drive crazy with my overflow of words were THERE, which doesn't mean that I can't talk to them, but it's just not as exciting, you know?
I love exciting talk! And today was so exciting!
Gah! This is annoying!
Yours,
-Em
Dear Love,
I have this idea of something that I think would be fun and challenging and probably foolish and maybe even reckless, and I wish I could run it by you and stop it from turning into brain crack!
The worst part is that the longer I sit in daydreaming singledom, the more I get deluded by this head-version of you that just magically likes and is excited to do all of the same things that I am! But without the ability to get your feedback, I have no way of knowing if the idea is good, or bad, or absolutely ridiculous, or possible (with a little bit of convincing).
I haven't told the idea to anyone but my car, because, well, I have a pretty strong suspicion that it's possibly not good...
But the point is that in your absence I get to contentedly to live with my head-version of you.
He's very agreeable. And he's totally on board with everything I suggest! Imagine that!
Oh my gosh, head-version you is dangerously close to brain crack status!!
I guess I may have to break up with head-version of you soon... Darn. I really thought we had something special, you know ;)
Yours,
-Em
Dear Love,
A short-list of things I want to know:
Do you like Disney movies?
and YouTube?
and cuddling?
and intelligent discussions?
and nerdiness?
and silly things?
and walking?
and not running too much or otherwise being overly active?
and roadtrips?
and board games?
and playing video games that I'm good at? (Basically: was it designed for children, is it mario, does it involve a race car, or is it Portal?) (I'm actually pretty bad at Portal, but I make up for my deficit in excitement and passion.)
and not minding me watch you play the video games I'm bad at? (It's weird, I know, I like it anyway...in moderation and with explanations of what's happening)
and general weirdness? (Because I have that in SPADES!) (Seriously, everyone is better off if we just accept that I'm weird and move on.)
ooo! and camping?
and adventures? (casual ones, or active ones so long as you don't mind semi-frequent stops to admire the everything that you miss if you're of the "get to point B as fast as possible" variety of adventurer)
and singing?
or otherwise music making?
or at the very least, Disney sing-alongs?
and swinging? (I love swings!)
also slides?
and roller coasters? (That escalated quickly... Eh? Eh? See what I did there?)
and lame jokes?
Answers requested as soon as possible :)
Yours,
-Em
I've got more half-formed mini-letters in my head, but now it's tomorrow already and I'm tired from the busy yet satisfying day that was today :)
Until next time, Love.
It's one in the morning and I'm at the altar.
Not even wasting my time with kneeling, I pretty much went straight to laying down.
I don't often have the opportunity to come here, usually being stuck where I am on Sundays by one of my many obligations.
(Which, side note, turns out is for the best because it's not actually possible for me to kneel there without partially mooning the congregation area...)
I had to come to the church to drop something off, but as I walked past the altar I knew that was why I was really here.
I laid there, holding the cross, trying (with varied success) to remind myself that I don't have to be lonely,
I don't have to feel unloved or unworthy,
I don't have to worry about tomorrow,
and I don't have to feel ashamed.
As with all of my times at the altar, I don't feel a presence of God (though I have at other times and places).
I don't feel much of anything actually.
I don't feel the weight of my worry,
my fear,
my confusion,
my doubt,
or the whispers of lies that so easily distract.
I can't even think straight; I'm so unaccustomed to so much silence in my head!
I wouldn't describe what I feel as peace, but it's certainly something "other" than the feelings that brought me to the altar in the first place.
I never know quite what to make of this "other" feeling...
For today, I will accept it as an opportunity to refocus on the Truth -- after finally having the lies lose their roots -- and to praise the one who paid my debt.
Life sure would suck without Him tonight.
When a door closes...
Long story, short: I was not accepted into the GCPT program.
Long story, long: At least, that is the conclusion I have come to.
It's a fair conclusion, since I didn't get an acceptance letter.
I have to "come" to it only because I missed a critical piece of information on the letter I did receive telling me that my application was being reviewed. This particular piece was login information to the school's student portal, which would give me access to the status of my application.
I threw out that letter... so... oops.
I'm okay with this though :) for serious. I prayed that God would close/open that door according to His will, and I am at peace with the closed door.
Long story, extended: Now I upgrade.
Tricky thing I'm finding about closed doors is that it can mean so many things!
Does it mean "Closed: Open again next year" or "Closed: Try other door" or "Closed: Stop trying this kind of door" (by which I mean this type of program)?
I'm prayerfully trying to sort this out. At the moment this is what I've got...
-- It's not option 3, I like this area of study and I feel that God has given me the skills and desire to do this as a career, would probably take another rejection to make me consider this an actual option from Him.
-- I have no idea which of the other two options is right. At least, not yet.
-- What I do know is that I now have the time to do research into other schools that offer similar programs and maybe try this one again, or maybe find another even better.
-- Minimal research so far has taught me that most of the programs of this nature require at least English and Math as prerequisites, so I will upgrade those as I continue my hunger games of the contending schools.
This I also know... This gives me more time to get my life in order. Because it isn't. And this reason, above any academic reason, I believe, is why God has closed this door right now.
Just one more thing that lets me know He's got this. If not for pursuing this door, I would have been just as overcommitted as every other year that I didn't give time to focus on fixing parts of me that have been busted for a while. By leading me here, God forced me to step back from being so busy.
I don't know for sure what this next couple months holds, but in the midst of all the unknown I have peace.
I'm going to upgrade, seek some inner healing, and make time to conquer the unknowns one at a time. "Real" adulthood is intimidating, knowing that everything ahead is my responsibility, but thank goodness it would seem God can see the bigger picture.
Toodles, my lovelies. I leave you with a nerd game joke.
Dear Love,
This is a letter for you, Love. Not like the feeling of love, but the actual someday-I-will-call-you-Love person.
I have absolutely no idea who you are... but I miss you.
Not like I'm-sad-you've-left miss you, but I-wish-you-were-here-how-much-longer-will-we-be-apart miss you. If you read this in a sad way, I will punch you. This is a hopeful letter; smile while you read it, if that helps...
How do you write a letter to someone you don't know, about things you've never experienced? I've no idea... but this has been floating in my head like a song I can't shake and I feel like the only way to articulate how I feel is to write it out.
I miss everything that I've never known about who you are, and who I am with you, and how we fit together.
I miss what it feels like to lean into you, and to feel your presence hug mine.
I miss the awkwardness of our first kiss, and the slow mastery of every kiss after that; of making out, and pushing away, because if I keep letting you do that... ...that's for later, and I miss that too.
I miss having you by my side for every adventure. And making every day an adventure: chasing rainbows, and sunsets, and moonrises, or just marveling at fingertips touching.
I miss getting butterflies just seeing you've sent me a text, and learning how to keep those butterflies alive long after we're married and texting is relegated to grocery lists.
I miss wanting to tell you about that thing that just happened, even if you were standing beside me the whole time.
I miss being embarrassed by you, please don't do it too often :)
I miss cuddling. (I hope you like cuddling, because if you don't I will punch you.)
I miss the easy comfort of just walking together, not needing to fill the air with anything other than footsteps in synchrony. (With a dog? I hope there's a dog.)
I miss caring enough to fight with you. And from what I've heard, making up can be pretty sweet :)
I miss learning new things with you, and always seeking to learn more together.
I miss reading the Bible with you, and studying it together, and how you encourage me to be more Christlike even without saying a word (and hopefully likewise).
I miss talking excitedly about things that few people are excited about!! And our general nerdiness that no one else needs to understand.
I miss wanting to do something crazy that we've never done before like start vlogging, or go on a road trip, or get married, or start a family, or buy a house, or build a tree house, or sleep under the stars (at least until the bugs get too bad), or I don't even know what but I want to do it with you!
I miss making music together (if in fact you are musical, fingers crossed).
I miss learning why people say love is hard, and why they say it's the best thing, and everything in between... with you.
I miss what you smell like, and feel like, and taste like, and the sound of your heartbeat with my ear pressed to your chest.
I miss the feeling of your fingers on my neck, in my hair, on my face, my back, my waist, my hands, and us leaving fingerprints on each other that can be felt for days.
I miss knowing your favorite things, and having you know mine; reading your favorite books, and sharing my favorite dessert.
I miss making all kinds of mistakes, but then figuring out what reconciliation, forgiveness, and love really mean.
I don't know who you are, but I really wish I did. I miss you, Love.
I miss a lot of things, but I know that this list only scratches the surface. I probably got a ton wrong/off, but I look forward to learning that in person.
-Em
Is he out there God? Can you let him know that I'm waiting? And, you know, give him a kick in the pants... from me? Thanks :)
Aaaahhhhh!!
I applied to Graphic Communications and Print Technology today... I believe the title of this post adequately communicates how I'm feeling about this.
I've been told that I should receive a response from the school within a month or so... so I guess I'll keep you posted.
Now for bed. And hopefully sleep (I'm feeling a little wired still from lingering anxiety).
// Romans 8:26-28 // And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. //
Sickness is Isolating.
I've found myself in a self-created isolation.
I've had the flu for the past week and I've been avoiding people so as to keep them from getting sick.
Great plan, Emmi!!
Great plan, Emmi!!
But...
It's been 5 days of this already and I just turned down supper at my sister's due to possible contagiousness...
And... I'm feeling mighty lonely.
Great plan, Emmi...
On the somewhat-plus-side, I did quite enjoy this video today. Good timing on that one, God.
http://youtu.be/lRcLw0rf7Io
My Sister is [Unsurprisingly] a Great Mom!
Honestly. THIS SHOULD NOT SURPRISE ME!!!
We're talking about the sister to whom I gave every doll or barbie I ever received because I knew she would play with them more than I would. [Give me stuffed animals, K'nex, and Rubik's cubes any day!]
Funny story about that actually! One Christmas my sister, who would have been preteenish at the time, wanted to get this one certain doll. Unfortunately, she knew that the way you ordered this type of doll, it was random which one you received. So she schemed up a plan to convince me, probably 6ish, that I wanted to ask for the same type of doll. She thought that as soon as I got it, as per usual, I would give it to her et voila!, double her chances of getting the doll she wanted! It was a good plan, but she worked a little to hard at convincing me I wanted this doll, and that was the only doll I ever kept EVER. I think it was the one she wanted too!
Funny story aside though, that's just the start of all of the things that should have been CLUES to me along the way...
She got into babysitting as soon as people would let her, she was always a natural with kids, and she was and still is a really great big sister! I knew her plans all along were to have kids, and to me that was such a no brainer that I didn't even give it much thought!
But, you know, sometimes things just hit you! All at once, you realize something you have known all along. And yesterday, hanging out with my sister and my most recent nephew, I realized, "MY SISTER IS A BRILLIANT MOM!!!"
I know what you're thinking, "But Emmi, you're totally biased!" And you'd be right, but that doesn't make me wrong!
I've seen my sister handle her child with a beautiful grace, a comforting calm, and what can only be described as a perfect mom-ness. She is really good at this, you guys!
On top of that, up til now I probably would have classified Lisa as a worrier, but I have never seen her so worry free! Which is surprising in itself, because one would expect a first time mom to be nothing but a worrier! But her whole journey through pregnancy and motherhood has been a beautiful display of the Peace that can conquer fears and doubts.
I couldn't be prouder of her <3.
We're talking about the sister to whom I gave every doll or barbie I ever received because I knew she would play with them more than I would. [Give me stuffed animals, K'nex, and Rubik's cubes any day!]
Funny story about that actually! One Christmas my sister, who would have been preteenish at the time, wanted to get this one certain doll. Unfortunately, she knew that the way you ordered this type of doll, it was random which one you received. So she schemed up a plan to convince me, probably 6ish, that I wanted to ask for the same type of doll. She thought that as soon as I got it, as per usual, I would give it to her et voila!, double her chances of getting the doll she wanted! It was a good plan, but she worked a little to hard at convincing me I wanted this doll, and that was the only doll I ever kept EVER. I think it was the one she wanted too!
Funny story aside though, that's just the start of all of the things that should have been CLUES to me along the way...
She got into babysitting as soon as people would let her, she was always a natural with kids, and she was and still is a really great big sister! I knew her plans all along were to have kids, and to me that was such a no brainer that I didn't even give it much thought!
But, you know, sometimes things just hit you! All at once, you realize something you have known all along. And yesterday, hanging out with my sister and my most recent nephew, I realized, "MY SISTER IS A BRILLIANT MOM!!!"
I know what you're thinking, "But Emmi, you're totally biased!" And you'd be right, but that doesn't make me wrong!
I've seen my sister handle her child with a beautiful grace, a comforting calm, and what can only be described as a perfect mom-ness. She is really good at this, you guys!
On top of that, up til now I probably would have classified Lisa as a worrier, but I have never seen her so worry free! Which is surprising in itself, because one would expect a first time mom to be nothing but a worrier! But her whole journey through pregnancy and motherhood has been a beautiful display of the Peace that can conquer fears and doubts.
I couldn't be prouder of her <3.
Some Thought Put Into It.
I've been having a disappointing week. Disappointed in myself.
But today, God has been reminding me that he has put A LOT of thought into the SIMPLEST things around me. Hence, my study of wheat. Yes... wheat.
So I just wanted to make a post about this. Because if He's put so much thought intoWHEAT BARLEY, how can I possibly believe that I am on my own in fixing my problems. He has put way too much thought into my life to just abandon me now.
// Luke 1:45 // Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her. //
// Luke 1:37 // For no word from God will ever fail. //
I also attempted to capture this picture of a storm in front of the sunset, but of course it doesn't really do it justice. Still a pretty picture though.
But today, God has been reminding me that he has put A LOT of thought into the SIMPLEST things around me. Hence, my study of wheat. Yes... wheat.
(ETA: Oh my goodness, so turns out that is actually BARLEY!!! ...So yes, my knowledge of crops is poor; my amazement in the fact that God created that [period] has not been diminished. Now I will know the difference between wheat and barley.)
So I just wanted to make a post about this. Because if He's put so much thought into
// Luke 1:45 // Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her. //
// Luke 1:37 // For no word from God will ever fail. //
I also attempted to capture this picture of a storm in front of the sunset, but of course it doesn't really do it justice. Still a pretty picture though.
A (Lengthy) Side Trip
It's been a while since I've posted, I know... bad Emmi.
To be fair, I did spend most of July working at a youth/kids camp (I guess I'm not going to be making a "real" post about that like I have been meaning to...).
Let's just take a little side trip from this post to talk about the camp. It was my first time EVER being at a camp. I mean EVER as in I NEVER went to camp as a kid/teen, and this was my FIRST experience working at one. The experience, honestly, was not what I was expecting, and I still can't even really decide how I feel about the whole thing (hence, why I haven't written a blog post about it yet).
There were parts of the first week (aka. teen retreat) that made me want to either cry in the corner or punch something. It was nicht so gut*. Not to be all "poor me", but there was one of the girls (there were only three) who HATED me. Or did she like me... some days we were fine (normal haha moments and a couple serious ones), some days she would be completely cold to me (as soon as I would approach her, she would get a rigid body posture, stare at a distance roughly 5 feet away from me, and only say something to the effect of "talk to me and I'm leaving" or say absolutely nothing at all). It was maddening never knowing which persona I would be dealing with!
And whatever! I'm a big girl! Though she was the point that broke me every time, her attitude was not the problem. The problem that had me running to yell at God was feeling USELESS. This group was a mess at the beginning of the week: bullying, exclusiveness, wordly attitudes... I instantly felt the need being cried out in every interaction these teens had with each other; they needed a strong leader! Or ANY leader period. I AM CALLED TO BE A YOUTH LEADER!!! It was torture to know the need, but at the same time know that I could do nothing to fill it! These kids had known me for all of a day, and weren't interested in acknowledging that I even existed. If I'd stuck around for another month (or years), I knew I could have an impact, but it was a very frustrating experience to learn that I am not a short-term-relationship type of leader. I NEED months/years to do my thing.
And so, here I am in the very first week of three weeks at this camp, learning that I feel useless when I only get to spend 5 days with those I'm leading. ...Can't you just feel my excitement to do the rest of the weeks?
No.
I was pretty upset with God for bringing me so far** to do, what felt like, nothing.
This side trip is getting really long...
Needless to say, I finished that first week feeling really tired. But I found myself really grateful for the Youth Group that God has given me to lead.
The other two weeks (aka. kids camp and pre-teen camp) went significantly better! Though not exactly sunshine and rainbows, it was a lot more of what I had prepared myself for. I even found myself managing to form a couple of relationships with the campers! Yay :)
All this to say, I'm torn about how I feel about camp as a ministry. I've heard stories of how effective camp ministry can be, so I'm not saying that it isn't. I am just kind of left feeling like, maybe, it's not MY ministry.
My strength is in long-term ministry.
That being said, if God wants me to go back, I will. In a heartbeat. I know he can use even my pathetic attempts at short-term ministry if he wants to. And if I see some of the kids again, it's almost more like a long-term thing, no?
*Sorry, my family is german and though I can't speak fluently AT ALL, I do use a smattering of phrases without thinking. nicht so gut=not so good.
**Oh yeah, it was 2 provinces over.
</side trip>
To be fair, I did spend most of July working at a youth/kids camp (I guess I'm not going to be making a "real" post about that like I have been meaning to...).
- - - - - - - - - - - -
There were parts of the first week (aka. teen retreat) that made me want to either cry in the corner or punch something. It was nicht so gut*. Not to be all "poor me", but there was one of the girls (there were only three) who HATED me. Or did she like me... some days we were fine (normal haha moments and a couple serious ones), some days she would be completely cold to me (as soon as I would approach her, she would get a rigid body posture, stare at a distance roughly 5 feet away from me, and only say something to the effect of "talk to me and I'm leaving" or say absolutely nothing at all). It was maddening never knowing which persona I would be dealing with!
And whatever! I'm a big girl! Though she was the point that broke me every time, her attitude was not the problem. The problem that had me running to yell at God was feeling USELESS. This group was a mess at the beginning of the week: bullying, exclusiveness, wordly attitudes... I instantly felt the need being cried out in every interaction these teens had with each other; they needed a strong leader! Or ANY leader period. I AM CALLED TO BE A YOUTH LEADER!!! It was torture to know the need, but at the same time know that I could do nothing to fill it! These kids had known me for all of a day, and weren't interested in acknowledging that I even existed. If I'd stuck around for another month (or years), I knew I could have an impact, but it was a very frustrating experience to learn that I am not a short-term-relationship type of leader. I NEED months/years to do my thing.
And so, here I am in the very first week of three weeks at this camp, learning that I feel useless when I only get to spend 5 days with those I'm leading. ...Can't you just feel my excitement to do the rest of the weeks?
No.
I was pretty upset with God for bringing me so far** to do, what felt like, nothing.
This side trip is getting really long...
Needless to say, I finished that first week feeling really tired. But I found myself really grateful for the Youth Group that God has given me to lead.
The other two weeks (aka. kids camp and pre-teen camp) went significantly better! Though not exactly sunshine and rainbows, it was a lot more of what I had prepared myself for. I even found myself managing to form a couple of relationships with the campers! Yay :)
All this to say, I'm torn about how I feel about camp as a ministry. I've heard stories of how effective camp ministry can be, so I'm not saying that it isn't. I am just kind of left feeling like, maybe, it's not MY ministry.
My strength is in long-term ministry.
That being said, if God wants me to go back, I will. In a heartbeat. I know he can use even my pathetic attempts at short-term ministry if he wants to. And if I see some of the kids again, it's almost more like a long-term thing, no?
*Sorry, my family is german and though I can't speak fluently AT ALL, I do use a smattering of phrases without thinking. nicht so gut=not so good.
**Oh yeah, it was 2 provinces over.
</side trip>
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Okay, where was I...? Oh yeah! So I got back from camp and almost immediately moved to a new house, so I haven't had time to post. Sorry.
You know what? This post has already been really long, I'll just end it here and make a new post about what I was actually wanting to talk about.
Toodles :)
My Puppy is Cute
When my puppy* has had a stressful day** she is only comforted by four things.
*Not so 'puppy' anymore, I guess, since she's two. It's basically like how my dad still introduces me as his 'baby' even though I'm twenty-two.
**Which today, means it was windy (I'm convinced that my dogs are both part chicken).
1) The washing machine.
2) Standing between somebody's legs and moving with them every time they move (even on the stairs).***
***It should be noted that this is REALLY annoying because she is a BIG dog.
3) The piano. (I've gotten significantly better with all of the practice!)
And...
Today, I was trying to clean my room and she was insisting on number 2, which just wasn't helping. I managed to convince her to go up on the bed, covered her in a blanket and tucked it around her. Within minutes she was sleeping soundly.
So adorably defective, my puppy is.
Just thought I'd share :)
I'm alive!!
Hello lovelies.
I realized today that I neglected to tell you something very important.... I'm doing better.
You know that post I made about being spiritually tired and feeling distant for the month of March? Yeah... I've been doing a lot better for a while now.
I believe my funk only lasted for a couple of days after that post (basically, early April)..... sooooo, sorry for not telling you.
Anywho... I just wanted to share my devotional from today. It really changed my perspective on a couple of things. I've copy/pasted it below. If you happen to be a woman (or know of one), I highly recommend SheReadsTruth.com.
Toodles!
------------------------------------------------
(from SheReadsTruth.com)
Nehemiah | Day 15 | A Willing Sacrifice
Text: Nehemiah 11-12:26, Philippians 2:21, Romans 12:1
At first glance, the exhaustive list of names in chapters 11 and 12 makes for a rather dry read. But pull up a chair, dig in a bit more, and see that in between these listings is the story of great importance to Jerusalem.
You would think as Jerusalem was being finished, people fought over who would live within the walls of the great city that they built. It would seem obvious that living there would be a privilege. Instead we see that lots were cast over who had to go, and that the people who did volunteer were commended. (Nehemiah 11:1-2)
Why is this? First, Israelites were a hated people. Anyone living within the walls could probably expect to be attacked and live on edge. Also, because it was a holy city and in it resided their temple, the inhabitants would need to follow God’s commandments closely and be examples.
Simply put, living within Jerusalem was more of a bother than a gift to most.
“All seek their own, not the things that are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philippians 2:21)
As I read through these chapters, my heart is struck by how often in my life I am the Israelite unwilling to live in God’s city. I’d rather be outside the walls, no burdens of how to act or expectations to sacrifice comforts. Yet, what God wants from us isn’t a begrudging acceptance of “lot casting.” He wants our hearts, our ability to look at the unknown and often terrifying and still say, “Yes Lord. Not my will, but yours.”
Our Lord wants us to accept making our lives a living sacrifice for His kingdom because He knows that what lies ahead for us in eternity is better than anything here on earth.
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” (Romans 12:1)
We can be lot casters. We can enter into His holy city kicking and screaming, pouting for years and wondering, “Why me?” But we can also choose to go willingly, to be the volunteers that love the Lord so much we’d sacrifice the earthly “good” life for the glory of God.
Lord, make our lives a (willing) living sacrifice for your greater purpose.
------------------------------------------------
I realized today that I neglected to tell you something very important.... I'm doing better.
You know that post I made about being spiritually tired and feeling distant for the month of March? Yeah... I've been doing a lot better for a while now.
I believe my funk only lasted for a couple of days after that post (basically, early April)..... sooooo, sorry for not telling you.
Anywho... I just wanted to share my devotional from today. It really changed my perspective on a couple of things. I've copy/pasted it below. If you happen to be a woman (or know of one), I highly recommend SheReadsTruth.com.
Toodles!
------------------------------------------------
(from SheReadsTruth.com)
Nehemiah | Day 15 | A Willing Sacrifice
Text: Nehemiah 11-12:26, Philippians 2:21, Romans 12:1
At first glance, the exhaustive list of names in chapters 11 and 12 makes for a rather dry read. But pull up a chair, dig in a bit more, and see that in between these listings is the story of great importance to Jerusalem.
You would think as Jerusalem was being finished, people fought over who would live within the walls of the great city that they built. It would seem obvious that living there would be a privilege. Instead we see that lots were cast over who had to go, and that the people who did volunteer were commended. (Nehemiah 11:1-2)
Why is this? First, Israelites were a hated people. Anyone living within the walls could probably expect to be attacked and live on edge. Also, because it was a holy city and in it resided their temple, the inhabitants would need to follow God’s commandments closely and be examples.
Simply put, living within Jerusalem was more of a bother than a gift to most.
“All seek their own, not the things that are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philippians 2:21)
As I read through these chapters, my heart is struck by how often in my life I am the Israelite unwilling to live in God’s city. I’d rather be outside the walls, no burdens of how to act or expectations to sacrifice comforts. Yet, what God wants from us isn’t a begrudging acceptance of “lot casting.” He wants our hearts, our ability to look at the unknown and often terrifying and still say, “Yes Lord. Not my will, but yours.”
Our Lord wants us to accept making our lives a living sacrifice for His kingdom because He knows that what lies ahead for us in eternity is better than anything here on earth.
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” (Romans 12:1)
We can be lot casters. We can enter into His holy city kicking and screaming, pouting for years and wondering, “Why me?” But we can also choose to go willingly, to be the volunteers that love the Lord so much we’d sacrifice the earthly “good” life for the glory of God.
Lord, make our lives a (willing) living sacrifice for your greater purpose.
------------------------------------------------
Oops.
Goodness, it has been a while, eh?
Bad Emmi.
It's Good Friday, so maybe this is a weird time to talk about this, but it does (kindasortamaybe?) fit.
The last month has, spiritually, been a rough one for me.
This won't be one of my more "wordy" blog post, because I've been trying all month yet still cannot find the right words to explain what's been happening or how I feel.
The best word I can use to describe it is DISTANT.
Not just feeling distant from God, though that certainly has it's place, but mainly that I feel distant from my UNDERSTANDING of Him and how I RELATE to that. My brain and my heart are not communicating very effectively.
I am INFINITELY grateful that I have not stopped reading my Bible during this time; I could not imagine how much worse my month could have been if that wasn't the case. And as I write that I realize... I did have a really good month in most of the other aspects of my life. I can only thank God.
But right there in that last sentence is one of the weird things about this valley period. I can acknowledge the God-moments in my life, but I feel this disconnect to them. Almost like I can SEE His handiwork, but I can't feel His hands.
For the first time EVER (and I mean evereverEVER!) I attended a worship conference and sang, as usual, with complete confidence in the truth of the words, but I felt no soul tug, or heart moving, or tear making, or anything else of that nature. It was actually a little disappointing because I was looking forward to the conference as a default way to pull me out of my mystery funk. ...Nope.
I'm tired of it, my lovely stalkers. Good Friday has been a weird one for me. Normally, the thought of Jesus' sacrifice for ME and MY guilt instantly brings me closer to Him, and though I am closer, I am nowhere near where I want to be.
But I hold on to the hope that this storm will pass.
In the meantime, I will listen to "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North and "Blessings" by Laura Story and a handful of other songs that I can't think of the names of at the moment. And then I will happy dance to "Hello, My Name Is" by Matthew West, go to bed, read my devotional, and pray that it will all go back to normal soon. :)
Farewell, lovelies!
Bad Emmi.
It's Good Friday, so maybe this is a weird time to talk about this, but it does (kindasortamaybe?) fit.
The last month has, spiritually, been a rough one for me.
This won't be one of my more "wordy" blog post, because I've been trying all month yet still cannot find the right words to explain what's been happening or how I feel.
The best word I can use to describe it is DISTANT.
Not just feeling distant from God, though that certainly has it's place, but mainly that I feel distant from my UNDERSTANDING of Him and how I RELATE to that. My brain and my heart are not communicating very effectively.
I am INFINITELY grateful that I have not stopped reading my Bible during this time; I could not imagine how much worse my month could have been if that wasn't the case. And as I write that I realize... I did have a really good month in most of the other aspects of my life. I can only thank God.
But right there in that last sentence is one of the weird things about this valley period. I can acknowledge the God-moments in my life, but I feel this disconnect to them. Almost like I can SEE His handiwork, but I can't feel His hands.
For the first time EVER (and I mean evereverEVER!) I attended a worship conference and sang, as usual, with complete confidence in the truth of the words, but I felt no soul tug, or heart moving, or tear making, or anything else of that nature. It was actually a little disappointing because I was looking forward to the conference as a default way to pull me out of my mystery funk. ...Nope.
I'm tired of it, my lovely stalkers. Good Friday has been a weird one for me. Normally, the thought of Jesus' sacrifice for ME and MY guilt instantly brings me closer to Him, and though I am closer, I am nowhere near where I want to be.
But I hold on to the hope that this storm will pass.
In the meantime, I will listen to "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North and "Blessings" by Laura Story and a handful of other songs that I can't think of the names of at the moment. And then I will happy dance to "Hello, My Name Is" by Matthew West, go to bed, read my devotional, and pray that it will all go back to normal soon. :)
Farewell, lovelies!
Community
As I watched a flock of birds hanging out on a power line over the train yard today, I couldn't help but think that it was a beautiful reflection of the sense of community that I feel in my church.
Yesterday was not just the usual Sunday. We had the chance to honor a lovely couple for their consistent service in our church. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE (even the guest who was just at our church to make a presentation for the new Pregnancy Care Center in town) was filled with love and support for this couple! And my favorite part is that even with the service mostly dedicated to this couple, what we were able to give them is STILL only a portion of the amount of love, and prayers, and honor, and service that they have given to us over the years and still will give!
My close-second favorite part is the reminder that my church family is AMAZING! So much love, support, and togetherness. Truly a beautiful community. Maybe I'm biased, but I kind of don't think so.
My sense of community didn't end there yesterday. I was able to hang out with my puzzle making friend again! (Yes. In case you were wondering... we did build another puzzle. And I have no shame in admitting that we both had FUN doing it!) The camaraderie in spending hours just hanging out with a friend is so stinkin' wonderful that it only added to my awareness of the community that I am fortunate enough to be a part of.
AND THERE'S MORE!! I went straight from that friend's house to another friend's house! One of the young men in the youth has been slowly (and with a great deal of patience on his part) giving me a video game education. We spent hours playing, laughing the whole time (because I was SO BAD at the beginning, and still not near pro by the time we called it a night!), and I was reminded once again that the community in my church family has spawned a great community in the Youth Group! Even though we were both frustrated at my ineptitude, we still had a great deal of fun.
I think that is beautiful.
I am so grateful to God that I get to be a part of this community of amazing people who care about me and that I have the opportunities to care about in return.
I hope that you all get the chance to experience that, my lovelies!
Yesterday was not just the usual Sunday. We had the chance to honor a lovely couple for their consistent service in our church. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE (even the guest who was just at our church to make a presentation for the new Pregnancy Care Center in town) was filled with love and support for this couple! And my favorite part is that even with the service mostly dedicated to this couple, what we were able to give them is STILL only a portion of the amount of love, and prayers, and honor, and service that they have given to us over the years and still will give!
My close-second favorite part is the reminder that my church family is AMAZING! So much love, support, and togetherness. Truly a beautiful community. Maybe I'm biased, but I kind of don't think so.
My sense of community didn't end there yesterday. I was able to hang out with my puzzle making friend again! (Yes. In case you were wondering... we did build another puzzle. And I have no shame in admitting that we both had FUN doing it!) The camaraderie in spending hours just hanging out with a friend is so stinkin' wonderful that it only added to my awareness of the community that I am fortunate enough to be a part of.
AND THERE'S MORE!! I went straight from that friend's house to another friend's house! One of the young men in the youth has been slowly (and with a great deal of patience on his part) giving me a video game education. We spent hours playing, laughing the whole time (because I was SO BAD at the beginning, and still not near pro by the time we called it a night!), and I was reminded once again that the community in my church family has spawned a great community in the Youth Group! Even though we were both frustrated at my ineptitude, we still had a great deal of fun.
I think that is beautiful.
I am so grateful to God that I get to be a part of this community of amazing people who care about me and that I have the opportunities to care about in return.
I hope that you all get the chance to experience that, my lovelies!
Too Many Things.
I decided that I should blog today so as not to fall out of habit... but I kinda have nothing to say.
That's not really true, I suppose. The more realistic statement is that I have too many things to say and I'm not sure of how to chose just one, let alone focus on it well enough to be eloquent and/or make sense in general. This is my brain, welcome.
Hmmm...
(I'm attempting to chose. You can't tell, but it's taking a lot of face-scrunching.)
Okay, I've got it. I'm going to talk about my amazement at the friends that God brings into my life.
I had the pleasure of spending several hours yesterday with a new, but quickly becoming good, friend. I went over to hang out on Sunday evening and immediately noticed that her son (who's 3) had a big band-aid on his forehead. When I asked about it, she explained that while playing hide-and-seek she'd managed to convince him to cover his eyes so that he could not see, then decided that he should stand in the corner so there was even less of a chance of him seeing anything. So, with eyes firmly covered, her little boy walked in the direction he thought was the corner... and ran head first into the wall.
One of those situations where you want to laugh, but you know you probably shouldn't...
Anyways, one of the first things she says to me is, "You can hang out with me for six hours if you want." Then noting my confused expression, she explained, "I'm going to have to wake him up every half hour for the next six hours." (She didn't say "because he could have a concussion," but I figured it out pretty quickly.) I don't think she meant for me to take her up on it, but in the end I was there for six and a half hours, so there you go. She was working on a puzzle, and I love puzzles, so it was only natural that I stay until it was done (minus 8 missing pieces).
Tada! (By the way, non-square puzzles are more complicated, but also more satisfying. Not to mention cooler looking!)
But the puzzle isn't what I want to talk about. God has brought us together from completely different walks of life. She's a new Christian, I grew up in it. She lived the party life, I... lived the nerd life? (Books, puzzles, and walks are "fun", I'm not sure what else to call it!) Even though she is 2 years younger than I am, she has a 3 year old, has been married for 3 years, and is going through a sorta-separation. I have never even had a serious relationship.
And even with (or possibly, because of) all of these differences we were able to chat and goof off for six and a half hours together! We both felt completely comfortable and were both openly sharing about things that are usually uncomfortable. I can see God in it everywhere! This was our first of, hopefully, many hangouts to come. I look forward to what God will teach me, and how He might use me, through this friendship.
Farewell, my stalkers! Until next time.
That's not really true, I suppose. The more realistic statement is that I have too many things to say and I'm not sure of how to chose just one, let alone focus on it well enough to be eloquent and/or make sense in general. This is my brain, welcome.
Hmmm...
(I'm attempting to chose. You can't tell, but it's taking a lot of face-scrunching.)
Okay, I've got it. I'm going to talk about my amazement at the friends that God brings into my life.
I had the pleasure of spending several hours yesterday with a new, but quickly becoming good, friend. I went over to hang out on Sunday evening and immediately noticed that her son (who's 3) had a big band-aid on his forehead. When I asked about it, she explained that while playing hide-and-seek she'd managed to convince him to cover his eyes so that he could not see, then decided that he should stand in the corner so there was even less of a chance of him seeing anything. So, with eyes firmly covered, her little boy walked in the direction he thought was the corner... and ran head first into the wall.
One of those situations where you want to laugh, but you know you probably shouldn't...
Anyways, one of the first things she says to me is, "You can hang out with me for six hours if you want." Then noting my confused expression, she explained, "I'm going to have to wake him up every half hour for the next six hours." (She didn't say "because he could have a concussion," but I figured it out pretty quickly.) I don't think she meant for me to take her up on it, but in the end I was there for six and a half hours, so there you go. She was working on a puzzle, and I love puzzles, so it was only natural that I stay until it was done (minus 8 missing pieces).
Tada! (By the way, non-square puzzles are more complicated, but also more satisfying. Not to mention cooler looking!)
But the puzzle isn't what I want to talk about. God has brought us together from completely different walks of life. She's a new Christian, I grew up in it. She lived the party life, I... lived the nerd life? (Books, puzzles, and walks are "fun", I'm not sure what else to call it!) Even though she is 2 years younger than I am, she has a 3 year old, has been married for 3 years, and is going through a sorta-separation. I have never even had a serious relationship.
And even with (or possibly, because of) all of these differences we were able to chat and goof off for six and a half hours together! We both felt completely comfortable and were both openly sharing about things that are usually uncomfortable. I can see God in it everywhere! This was our first of, hopefully, many hangouts to come. I look forward to what God will teach me, and how He might use me, through this friendship.
Farewell, my stalkers! Until next time.
Over-Committed and Stalkers
I tend to over-commit myself.
Because I CAN do many things, I agree to do ALL of them.
For example: Tomorrow (Sunday) I am scheduled for both running PowerPoint AND leading worship. I am good with computers and passable with my guitar and so I've agreed to both of these things without really processing that at times, they will conflict with each other.
This particular example is fairly easy for me to fix, but that is not always the case. More often than not, I try to cram all of the things in, and in doing so, burn myself out a little bit. I know that what God has Planned for me right now is to be the Youth Leader, but he has also given me gifts that I feel bad not using.
But of course, that attitude is not helpful. And this will be my struggle. I know (or, more likely, have convinced myself) that, in our small church, if I do not do one of my things, either no one will or the Pastor will (because he also suffers from over-commitment).
But alas... I think at some point soon, I will have say no to one of my commitments. I don't like it. It will not be easy, and I dread having to decide.
Stalkers, I'd appreciate your help in praying about this.
Speaking of my stalkers!
This is a picture of my pageview statistics. They were in the single digits for days and then BAM 24! I suspect that for the most part (especially the Germany and South Korea numbers) the boost is related to the adds on the YouTube video yesterday. I also have a tendency to go look at the blog myself (because it's pretty, and new, and I'm paranoid about typos). But still, hello lovely stalkers! Even if you are just computers.