Letters to Anxiety

Edit from the future for some context:

Summer of 2015 I learned that I had been living with undiagnosed anxiety. And not just for a few years, but likely for my whole life. To say that the coping mechanisms that I had learned in those 25 years were "bad" is a significant understatement. It took me 3 years from this point to learn enough healthy coping mechanisms to -start- to tip the balance in the right direction, and another 2 years before I stopped using "failure" as a label for myself.

Of all the posts on this blog, this one is the one I've wanted to delete the most. Just look at it! It's so cringey!! But, for better or for worse, I've decided that it gets to stay. It was an honest moment in time, and I don't have the heart to hide it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hey Anxiety,

You suck.

Sincerely, Me

P.S. I'm going to start writing you letters. I won't say daily (because we all know that isn't going to happen!), but I'm gonna start a collection on here. Like, on this single post. This will either flop or be really interesting to look back on.

P.P.S. Either way, no need to reply.

P.P.P.S. Srsly. Don't.

P.P.P.P.S. Putting in a line break thing so that only those who want to have to read the post that will maybe get really really really long.  You have to click on the clicky thing to read more.

[Edit from the future to remove the page break because it doesn't work on the new blogger anyway. It didn't end up being all that long of a post, but brace yourself: this is the cringey part :P]

2015-Dec-27
Hey Bird-Breath,

I think I found our song...

Didn't think we could have a song did ya?

Me neither.

But I heard it today and I realized that it's perfect,  I've been singing it with us in mind all evening.

Landslide by Fleetwood Mac

Right?!?

...you don't get it? You say that has nothing to do with anxiety?

You'd be wrong. Behold, the lyrics (plus commentary):
.....
I took my love and took it down
[You're my "love"] [Not in the romantic sense, gross. But somehow, my brain has a connection with you that it is unwilling to let go of... perhaps you can see where I'm going with this already...]
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
[This feels like it has literally happened in my figurative emotional/mental space, like, daily. Climbin' those little mountains that look like success to mostly just me when BLAM! THANKS FOR THE LANDSLIDE, ANXIETY] 

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?     [Well, mirror...?]
Can the child within my heart rise above?     [... ... But really, can it...?]
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?     [... .... But really, can I...?]
Can I handle the seasons of my life?     [.... um. You know this is starting to sound like one of those thought spirals I get into... I bet you wish your doubtsy lies were as pretty sounding.]

Well, I've been afraid of changing     [HA! You don't say?]
'Cause I've built my life around you     [...This is becoming undeniable.]
But time makes you bolder     [I hope so.]
Even children get older     [Truth! ...and that child I once was has become ME]
And I'm getting older too     [...I've changed a lot more than you want me to believe, haven't I]

Well, I've been afraid of changing     [But apparently I've done more than I realized!]
'Cause I've built my life around you     [And you are a rotten life-core, f'reals.]
But time makes you bolder     [Wow! This has been a really powerful 5 seconds of song!>
Even children get older     [Yeah they do!]
And I'm getting older too     [Yeah I am!]
Oh, I'm getting older too     [Repeating it for emphasis! I totally am!]

I take my love, take it down     [YES!]
I climb a mountain and turn around     [This mountain is way better than that last mountain, too.]
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down?     [Oh, I hope so!]
[I need to repeat that to give me time for pondering how to cause a literally figurative landslide]
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down? oh, oh  [uh oh for you...?]

The landslide bring you down     [*evil grin*]
.....

OH YEAH!  Feel that light shining into this darkness!! MM FEELS GOOD!

Best wishes (but not actually), Me

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