Goodness, it has been a while, eh?
It's Good Friday, so maybe this is a weird time to talk about this, but it does (kindasortamaybe?) fit.
The last month has, spiritually, been a rough one for me.
This won't be one of my more "wordy" blog post, because I've been trying all month yet still cannot find the right words to explain what's been happening or how I feel.
The best word I can use to describe it is DISTANT.
Not just feeling distant from God, though that certainly has it's place, but mainly that I feel distant from my UNDERSTANDING of Him and how I RELATE to that. My brain and my heart are not communicating very effectively.
I am INFINITELY grateful that I have not stopped reading my Bible during this time; I could not imagine how much worse my month could have been if that wasn't the case. And as I write that I realize... I did have a really good month in most of the other aspects of my life. I can only thank God.
But right there in that last sentence is one of the weird things about this valley period. I can acknowledge the God-moments in my life, but I feel this disconnect to them. Almost like I can SEE His handiwork, but I can't feel His hands.
For the first time EVER (and I mean evereverEVER!) I attended a worship conference and sang, as usual, with complete confidence in the truth of the words, but I felt no soul tug, or heart moving, or tear making, or anything else of that nature. It was actually a little disappointing because I was looking forward to the conference as a default way to pull me out of my mystery funk. ...Nope.
I'm tired of it, my lovely stalkers. Good Friday has been a weird one for me. Normally, the thought of Jesus' sacrifice for ME and MY guilt instantly brings me closer to Him, and though I am closer, I am nowhere near where I want to be.
But I hold on to the hope that this storm will pass.
In the meantime, I will listen to "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North and "Blessings" by Laura Story and a handful of other songs that I can't think of the names of at the moment. And then I will happy dance to "Hello, My Name Is" by Matthew West, go to bed, read my devotional, and pray that it will all go back to normal soon. :)