Dear Love, About Boxing Day...

I haven't blogged in months.

This is mostly because I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety in this time and had the (decidedly disabling) thought that if I blogged at all, I should write about anxiety...

Turns out that it is kind of anxiety inducing to write about anxiety.

So I'm cutting myself free of that for now and I'm sure I'll write about it eventually, just not when it's a "should" write about that, but instead a "want to" write about that.

I'm going to write instead about something very currently important.

Dear Love,

I need to talk to you about Boxing Day.

Yes, December 26th. It's on a Saturday this year.

(It's not important that it's on a Saturday, I was just pointing it out because I'm nervous.)

So here the thing... Boxing Day is a big deal for my mom's side of the family; it's a big family reunion and all that jazz.

And, well, I was kinda hoping you would be able to come this year.

BUT that probably won't happen (let's face it, the window of time is a little unrealistically small even with it months away), so that sucks.

My extended family is made of great people, but still this annual reunion is always a bit of a sour reminder of my singleness.

I'm the youngest one there (besides the kids of the next generation) so it's not entirely unreasonable that I am one of the only two single people remaining, but still there's always at least one haha-so-funny cousin that elbows the two of us and says "So... *waggling eyebrows* Who's next?? EhEh?"

Ha ha.

But more than the thought of yet another year arm-candy-less (I've handled that fine enough before now), it sucks in particular that you will (probably) miss THIS year.

...I will not cry.

Seriously, this is upsetting enough on it's own, you poor-timing-ed jerk!!

For every year I can remember, this gathering has been in one place -- my aunt and uncle's farm house.

I love this house and the way that the whole family fits in it and all the memories that have been made there and how they fill my heart to the brim!!  I want you to see it so badly!!

But... This is probably the last year that I will have the opportunity to show it to you... Dang it, now I am crying.

It sucks that I, not only (probably) have to show up single again, but I will maybe never have the chance to be in that house with you possibly... ever...

It was a milestone -- bringing the boyfriend to that reunion at that house -- that I never even thought to imagine not hitting.

I think that's why it sucks so much.

It's sad when you realize you've taken something for granted, but it's especially sad to realize you've realized it too late.

...I wish it wasn't nearly, probably too late.

There's still time, but not very much of it... I believe in us, but even that seems like a stretch, doesn't it?  Who knows, maybe I'll be surprised.

We'll see.

Love, Em.

A Case of the Lonelies: A Misguided Journey to (Maybe) a Better Understanding of Perspective and Empathy

Loneliness kinda sucks, you know?

Everyone does know, I suppose, but I'm realizing that it's really hard for anyone to really empathize with loneliness unless they are also presently feeling lonely.

Turns out my strangely sudden melancholic loneliness has turned me into a philosopher (is philosopher the right word?) and I'm taking you along on a hike through my brain. Try not to get distracted; it's really not safe to wander in here.

First, we need to talk about perspective.

As is often the case with negative things, once you're no longer surrounded by the darkness, it's instinctive to look back and see that what was once overwhelming looks really quite insignificant from the outside.

They call that perspective.

The thing about perspective is that sometimes it lies.

We want to trust our perspective, but we really shouldn't. Have you ever seen an optical illusion? How about a mirage?

Perspective lies to us on both sides of the good-bad cookie; misleading you while you're surrounded by trouble as well as when you are outside looking in.

Perspective isn't a bad guy, though. He's faithful to telling the truth as he sees it. It's not his fault that he doesn't understand his own bias.

But we do. And just like we would if a little kid confidently told us that Santa exists, we shouldn't just blindly accept what perspective says. That's nice, kid, but I know better.

Now that we're on the same page on perspective let's get back to talking about loneliness, shall we.

I really do believe that loneliness is a universal virus. Everyone has had it at some point. Which would mean, one would think, that everyone should be able to empathize with a lonely person; we've all been there, right?

No.

Because perspective is (a liar) unable to see loneliness properly from the outside.

In seeking comfort from people I ran into a couple of well-meaning attempts to help give me a better perspective. I've done it a million times (who hasn't?), and I know they meant well, I'm only pointing it out because it helped me realize something important.

Empathy, by nature, should not be given by someone who isn't currently in the dark with you, or able to go back into the dark in their minds. Attempts at empathy from the "outside" perspective can make things worse... let me try to explain...

Empathy is like a flashlight.

Have you ever tried to navigate through the dark without a light?

Camping used to be a good example of this, but now everyone camps in trailers and no one understands the treacherousness of that walk from the tent to the outhouse in the dead of night with a flashlight that can't illuminate for beans.

My youth group (if anyone from there is reading this) would probably think of a game called Gorgon.  Walking familiar rooms in complete darkness really messes with perspective's view of reality.

Work with me here... Imagine you're surrounded by complete darkness. You know you want to get out, but you don't know which way. So you focus; try to force your eyes to adjust so you can see something, anything to give you a clue. You feel a little helpless. Maybe a lot helpless. You call out for help.

Two scenarios of what happen next:

One. A well-meaning person on the "outside" hears you and wants to help you. They turn on their empathy flashlight and shine it in at you. Here's the problem: their perspective is lying to them about how dark it is "inside". Their light is too bright. You are blinded and you feel like this person doesn't understand anything about what you're going through! It hurts. You can use it -- walking towards it slowly, trying not to open your eyes too much -- but it's uncomfortable.

Two. Somebody in the dark with you (or someone brave enough to walk back in) hears you and wants to help you. They find you in the dark. They turn on their empathy flashlight. (There's a problem here too, sorry to say, because darkness is tricky.) Their perspective (your perspective) is lying to you both about how dark it is "inside". You think the dark is all consuming, and undefeatable. The flashlight is only turned on halfway and pointed at the ground. But that's enough to shift your helpless perspective! You turn on your empathy flashlight too -- slowly so it doesn't hurt your eyes. You and your new friend slowly reimagine the darkness and let your lights shine brighter and farther until you can navigate the way out together.

Both helpful people, but one may prolong hurt, the other may hasten understanding.

I don't know... maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and think this is all nonsense and I should not blog while recently emotional, but right now I'm feeling downright inspired!

Empathy depends on putting aside your perspective and adopting theirs, no matter how wrong it is, until their perspective can understand the truth more clearly than the lies.

Goodnight, Lovelies.

Devo Note 2015.Jun.24

// Psalm 56:3-4 //
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise --
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere man do to me?

I'm not currently afraid, but I want to hold on to these poetic verses. Commit them to memory; cling to them in the next time of struggle. "In God, whose word I praise -- in God I trust and am not afraid."

30 Days of Blogging - Day 30: LAST FREAKING DAY!!

I'm so happy this is the last day!!

It's been a blast, and literally changed my perspective on many things, but I'm hella happy to have reached the last day.

In honor of the last day, this is going to be totally random.

Here, have a collection of little things that didn't manage to make it into the previous 29 days or have just come to my mind now.

1) A Pet Peeve

Drivers who ride on the bumper of the person in front of them to get them to go faster. I want you out of my general driving sphere. It's dangerous, it's distracting for the person in front, and I really can't help but think that you just haven't thought this through. If you are riding close to the bumper in front of you, and that person is focusing more on their rearview mirror than the road in front if then, what happens if something in front of that car forces them to brake surprisingly. They won't see it coming right away (because of you), they slam on their brakes, you are waaay too close to even process that they have braked let alone stop with them. You hit them, they hit someone else, the people behind you hit both of you, and there is a huge accident. BECAUSE OF YOU. Now tell me, were those 5 extra km/h worth it? If you say yes, I want you to hurry up and get so far ahead of me that I won't be involved in your pile up, please and thank you.

2) A Snapchat Story by John Green

http://moca468.tumblr.com/post/118336406561/fishingboatproceeds-capellacas-john-green

3) I Love Tumblr

This is just a fact. Moving on...

4) Twitterpated

;) Is something I might be at present... Twitterpation has a lot more nervousness associated with it than I ever imagined; it's uncomfortable in the happiest way possible and I haven't decided if I'm okay with that or not yet.

I feel like this, but reversed.

I want to have a fifth thing, but I'm suddenly drawing a blank on everything...

Oh well! Naught to be done about it.

This is where I leave you.  Have a splendid day! I'm first going to sleep, but after that I plan to have a splendiphorous day myself :D

30 Days of Blogging - Day 29: AFOMFT, Youtube Channels

You know that feeling when something becomes such a part of your life that you kind of forget there was ever a time that it wasn't there?

Yes?

Then you also probably know the feeling when you meet someone who has no idea that thing exists and suddenly it's like your brain stalls for a moment and the only logical explanation you can think of is that they must be from an alternate universe or something!

Yes?

I had that feeling today.  Re: Youtube

Not the whole site, obviously -- they would have to be living under a stinking rock! No, just some channels that are so integral to MY YouTube experience that it boggles my mind that there are people who watch youtube, but don't know these channels exist.

I will outline them for you now. If you get into any, let me know, we can nerd out together.

Vlogbrothers
Nerdy banter between brothers John and Hank Green. You may have heard of John; he wrote a book you may have heard of... The Fault in Our Stars! And Hank is my favorite nerd of all time. Hence...

Hank Green channels
He has many many channels. Right now, I will insta watch anything from his personal channel hankgreen or his gaming channel Games With Hank or sometimes if he posts anything on hankgames which has been taken over by John playing FIFA which I don't watch. I watch most of the things that appear on SciShow and I'm subscribed to Crashcourse, but I rarely watch them. Hank Green music is nerdily enjoyable for me, but those are usually on Vlogbrothers. His Snapchat is my favorite thing.

Friends of Hank Green
Their little community of friends has a lot of vloggers in it. Michael Aranda whatimdoingrightnow and whatimpwningrightnow, Katelyn Salem, Clair Grosvenor, Matthew Gaydos (also makes the DFTBA Warehouse videos), Jesse from Animal Wonders, to name a few. Good stuff over there in Missoula. I enjoy vloggers, in case you aren't catching on.

We the Kings band members
Not all of them actually, but I like Danny and Lindsay's daily vlogs, and occationally Charles Trippy's.

There are another handful of channels I will instantly watch, but those it doesn't surprise me when nobody knows about them. Really, I'm only surprised how anyone can watch YouTube and not now about John and Hank Green. It's a big site, I get that, but like I said, it has just become so commonplace to me now that I can't even fathom the world that doesn't include them.

Everyone has different things that suck all their time away. YouTube is mine :P

Have a wonderful day, Lovelies. Tomorrow is the last freaking day; I'm so excited!!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 28: Dear Me

There are only two days left! Wow.

I have successfully written 27 blog posts in the last 27 days and yet, here on day 28, I have no idea what to write about for the next 3...

I always knew this day would come... I just thought it would come sooner and that I would fail at this challenge. This is unexpected.

I just have to think...

Aha! Got it! Yeah, I got this :)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Me of April 7th,

Hi there! It's you! Well, it's me... but I guess technically it's... us?

That's weird, let's just move on...

Hey.

I am writing to you from Day 28 of this challenge that you (probably) just wrote the first day of.

Can we talk about that?

(You can't answer because you don't even know I'm writing this so I'm just going to keep going as if you've said yes.)

Good idea, by the way.

Even though it really wasn't your idea per se, since you mostly started because Youtubers were getting into Vlog Every Day in April and you just felt left out and decided to do your own thing, but it was still a good idea.

But it's not going to go anything like you expect. Some of that is good; some of it will bum you out, but even those are good. It's all (mostly) good.

Allow me to debunk all the things you're expecting, since I apparently have a better perspective now.

You're thinking, "I will probably fail."

Wrong! I mean, I realize that is still a possibility, but I know what you're actually thinking, and what you're actually thinking is that you won't even get close to 30, but tada! Here we are! Day 28 baby!

You're thinking, "I will run out of ideas."

Well, yeah... that actually happens... BUT you still manage to write a post on something new every day. On the days when you don't have any idea what to write (cough every day cough cough) the idea will come to you randomly that day, or you'll use google (careful with that one, not all those ideas are the smartest), or you will blog about practically nothing, but it won't be nothing -- it will be something because you typed it and you hit post! Good job, sweetie!

You're thinking, "I will get the blog in before midnight every day!"

Hahahahahahaha allow me to remind you that you're strong suit has never been promptness. You will procrastinate and leave it til you're in bed every day, which most days is before midnight, but I have one word for you... Youth.  But it's okay, you will drop your need for perfection, and the blog will, at the very least, get done before you fall asleep. Huzzah.

You're thinking, "Maybe people will actually read my blog if they know I'm posting daily!"

Nah, that doesn't happen, and you're actually going to learn this fairly soon. Sorry darling, I know this is initially a let down, but I have good news for you anyway (once you're ready to look on the bright side). You will remember that you don't care; you weren't even going to make your blog public at the beginning! This blog and this challenge are first for you and then for whoever cares to read it. And if no one reads it, it does not mean that no one cares.  On the very bright side, there are some posts that you will be happy get buried in the middle for only a VERY diligent reader to find. It's better that way, I promise :)

And I have for you, some things that you haven't even thought of.

You will share about real things, and God things, and weird things, and nerdy things, and some things you love, and some things you don't, and some things that will embarrass you, and some things you wish that the right person would read, and SOMEHOW it all works together!

This will be more of a challenge than you ever thought and you will feel satisfied, and special, and ignored, and confused, and vulnerable, and weird, and happy, and tired, and proud, and like it was all worth it.

You will never want to do this again, but I suspect there will come a day when you forget that... Sorry future us.

You will have things on your blog ideas list from the beginning that you never write, even when you're out of ideas. And even though they are goodish ideas, they are either waaay too much work or not "real" enough when you are in the middle and tired of acting like this is easy.

It will be hard. At times.

But most of all, it will be yours, and you will have accomplished something that you set out to do. Did you hear that? You will finish this! You understand what this means, I don't need to outline it for the world to read, but girl you'd better be happycrying right now and returning my impossible high five or I will be very displeased.

I'm so proud of you.

Love, You from May 4th.

P.S. Yes, you did remembered to wish your big brother a happy birthday :)

30 Days of Blogging - Day 27: Crushing

There are only 3 days left after today!!! Is anyone else freaking out right now? Because I am! I have loved this and it has been an experience completely different from my expectations, but whew, I'm ready for a break! So close!!

Today let's talk about crushes. (As in the "I have a crush on insertname" variety.)

Maybe it's just me growing up, or maybe I've believed it all along, I'm not even sure, but lately I find myself really disliking the act of crushing.

Now that I've started this, I wonder if I can even put it into words properly...

I like the concept of crushes and all things romantically inclined, don't get me wrong! But I'm tired of wasting my time.

Crushing in particular I'm finding to be a time waster. Far more time than I care to admit to even myself is spent in the daydream-flirt-pursuit-disappointment-happy-repeat cycle of crushing; the unknown in particular fueling the need to put more time into figuring out if they like me to.

The frustrating dilemma that I'm running into, however, is that I can SEE the way out of this wasting time that I would rather put towards actually building into relationships (friendly or romantic, not even necessarily with the crush, just in life), but I'm too big of a chicken to do it.

The solution is simple... Ask.

Just like the quintessential schoolyard note: Do you like like me? [ ]yes [ ]no.

All I have to do is ask, and then I will know where things stand and I can skip the unknown part and use my time more happily.

But I'm held in place by this doubt of my, til recently, conviction that I want to be asked, not be the asker.  For years I have thought this, and I have built reasons that I'm having trouble sorting out if I still believe or not.  I've always known that I COULD be the asker, but I've oft wondered if I SHOULD be.

Dang.

If you didn't believe me when I said I'm too chicken, I hope you have no doubt now! Did you read what I just wrote? For YEARS, I have literally managed to convince my nerdy self that my chickeniness is possibly justified!!

Obviously, since I'm writing this post, I'm coming to realize my folly, but chicken is a really hard trait to break, let me tell you!

At some point soon, I'm sure I'll come to the end of my patience with myself in this, but today isn't quite that day yet; I'm sorry to report. There's just so much pressure! How do boys do this? Putting yourself out there royally sucks.

Hopefully, when I finally grow some balls, I won't screw it up.

Wish future me luck! She'll probably need it...