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Letters to Anxiety

Edit from the future for some context:

Summer of 2015 I learned that I had been living with undiagnosed anxiety. And not just for a few years, but likely for my whole life. To say that the coping mechanisms that I had learned in those 25 years were "bad" is a significant understatement. It took me 3 years from this point to learn enough healthy coping mechanisms to -start- to tip the balance in the right direction, and another 2 years before I stopped using "failure" as a label for myself.

Of all the posts on this blog, this one is the one I've wanted to delete the most. Just look at it! It's so cringey!! But, for better or for worse, I've decided that it gets to stay. It was an honest moment in time, and I don't have the heart to hide it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hey Anxiety,

You suck.

Sincerely, Me

P.S. I'm going to start writing you letters. I won't say daily (because we all know that isn't going to happen!), but I'm gonna start a collection on here. Like, on this single post. This will either flop or be really interesting to look back on.

P.P.S. Either way, no need to reply.

P.P.P.S. Srsly. Don't.

P.P.P.P.S. Putting in a line break thing so that only those who want to have to read the post that will maybe get really really really long.  You have to click on the clicky thing to read more.

[Edit from the future to remove the page break because it doesn't work on the new blogger anyway. It didn't end up being all that long of a post, but brace yourself: this is the cringey part :P]

2015-Dec-27
Hey Bird-Breath,

I think I found our song...

Didn't think we could have a song did ya?

Me neither.

But I heard it today and I realized that it's perfect,  I've been singing it with us in mind all evening.

Landslide by Fleetwood Mac

Right?!?

...you don't get it? You say that has nothing to do with anxiety?

You'd be wrong. Behold, the lyrics (plus commentary):
.....
I took my love and took it down
[You're my "love"] [Not in the romantic sense, gross. But somehow, my brain has a connection with you that it is unwilling to let go of... perhaps you can see where I'm going with this already...]
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
[This feels like it has literally happened in my figurative emotional/mental space, like, daily. Climbin' those little mountains that look like success to mostly just me when BLAM! THANKS FOR THE LANDSLIDE, ANXIETY] 

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?     [Well, mirror...?]
Can the child within my heart rise above?     [... ... But really, can it...?]
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?     [... .... But really, can I...?]
Can I handle the seasons of my life?     [.... um. You know this is starting to sound like one of those thought spirals I get into... I bet you wish your doubtsy lies were as pretty sounding.]

Well, I've been afraid of changing     [HA! You don't say?]
'Cause I've built my life around you     [...This is becoming undeniable.]
But time makes you bolder     [I hope so.]
Even children get older     [Truth! ...and that child I once was has become ME]
And I'm getting older too     [...I've changed a lot more than you want me to believe, haven't I]

Well, I've been afraid of changing     [But apparently I've done more than I realized!]
'Cause I've built my life around you     [And you are a rotten life-core, f'reals.]
But time makes you bolder     [Wow! This has been a really powerful 5 seconds of song!>
Even children get older     [Yeah they do!]
And I'm getting older too     [Yeah I am!]
Oh, I'm getting older too     [Repeating it for emphasis! I totally am!]

I take my love, take it down     [YES!]
I climb a mountain and turn around     [This mountain is way better than that last mountain, too.]
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down?     [Oh, I hope so!]
[I need to repeat that to give me time for pondering how to cause a literally figurative landslide]
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down? oh, oh  [uh oh for you...?]

The landslide bring you down     [*evil grin*]
.....

OH YEAH!  Feel that light shining into this darkness!! MM FEELS GOOD!

Best wishes (but not actually), Me

To Read, in the Event of Engagement

If ever I'm in the position of planning a wedding, there are some things I want to remember.

In the grand scheme of marriage, the wedding is really the least interesting :). Keep it fun, keep it casual, don't get stressed.

Speaking of stressed, I think the worst thing would be to have the day be surrounded by stress. Who wants to look back on their wedding day and remember how stressful it was. Keep it fun, keep it casual, don't get stressed.

Trying to please everyone will leave someone disappointed, it's inevitable. Be careful to not constantly have that person be you. Respectfully let others be disappointed too. Keep it fun, keep it casual, don't get stressed.

Break the mold. Who says your public commitment has to look like everyone expects it to? Those people don't need to be invited and/or they can be disappointed. You do not have to spend a lot of money on "wedding things" that you don't even want or need. Keep it fun, keep it casual, don't get stressed.

Speaking of money. Don't try to save money by "delegating" the costs to family and friends. By this is I mean, don't ask people to do things for free, don't ask them if they would bring 12 veggie trays but oh hey do it with their own money, generally just don't ask people to spend money on you and if they offer to spend money on you be hella grateful because that person is a lovely person.

Keep it fun, keep it casual, don't get stressed.

As an extra, maybe try to not make a date until you have collected all/most of the things that you need to spend money on. You know, like set a moderate monthly wedding budget and slowly collect the goods, THEN set the date so that there isn't a deadline and you end up spending more money than is wise to. But who am I kidding, I'm a procrastinator, I'll leave everything to the last minute whether I wait to set a date or not :P

Sewing, Day Who Even Cares Anymore?

So I was reading back through old blog posts...

Once upon a time, I was posting progress pictures as I created a purse. (I'm not going to bother linking them, you should be able to find them by the Craft Addict linkything a the bottom of this post.)

Once upon a more recent time (but really, still over a year ago), I made a Random Things post (Random Things linkything in the side bar) where I promised I would make THIS post "soon"...

Yep.

Hilarious part is that that purse is already broken and has been for a long time... I tried, I really did, to design a strap that wouldn't be the first thing to fail... still the first thing to fail.

But still, a promise is a promise :P

Now I just have to figure out what's happening in all of these pictures...

Seriously though... what's happening in these pictures??

Well!  I am 100% making this up as I go. Hold on.

Possible Step One:
Start working (HEY NEW CRAFT ROOM IN NEW HOUSE!!)
Realize picture taking is a thing you want to be doing, take picture of messy craft room.
As you can see the thus-far-completed portion of the purse is sitting on the chair, and if I am recalling correctly I had to iron ALL of the OTHER PIECES because I just shoved them in something during the move... Please refer to the post where I cut out all of the pieces for some perspective on how many pieces there were.  I think I stood at that iron for like an hour :P

Oh hey look! A progress picture of the ironing!

What do you think this picture is supposed to be about?

Possible Step Two:
Realize that the top of your bag is floppy, and floppy just won't do!
Make the decision to add structure to the lining pieces.

Side Note: Quilting those together took FOREVER. I remember that. It sucked.

Possible Step Three:
Sew the inside pocket things onto the front and back linings.

Look! This one has a secret pocket! Such a sneaky pocket.

Possible Step Four:
Sew the sides and bottom of the lining into a long strip.
I think I maybe also added pockets on the side panels... you can maybe see that in this picture... maybe you can't... I don't know,,,

Possible Step Five:
Basically stop taking pictures... apparently.
Sew the front and back lining pieces on to the side-bottom-side strip... leave a hole for turning later.
Stuff the completed purse part (aka the outside) inside the lining.  Line up the top edge for sewing next.
Take a picture that looks really weird and confusing and most just reminds future you that the quilting took FOREVER and sucked :P

Sew the top of the lining to the top of the bag. Think to yourself, "Hey! For once, I didn't make it have so many layers that the sewing machine nearly couldn't handle it! Go me!"
Turn everything right side out and sew the turning hole in the lining closed.
Realize you need to top stitch the top part so that everything lays nicely. Think to yourself, "Crap, I hope the sewing machine can handle this... I shouldn't have gotten cocky."

Possible Step Six:
Success!!!!  Be finished!!!
TAKE PICTURES!

Closed.

Open. Pockets!

Inside. Pockets!!

Front of Inside. Pockets!!!

Outside, Back. ZIPPERED POCKET!!

The end.  I think there's a picture buried in the archives somewhere of the strap being broken. Not actually the strap, but the piece of light grey cotton material holding the strap on to the main body of the purse. Turns out the metal things I used there had sharp edges that slowly, but surely sawed through the flimsy pieces of cotton that were the only thing keeping the strap attached to the purse. 

'Twas a shame.

Dear Love, About Boxing Day...

I haven't blogged in months.

This is mostly because I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety in this time and had the (decidedly disabling) thought that if I blogged at all, I should write about anxiety...

Turns out that it is kind of anxiety inducing to write about anxiety.

So I'm cutting myself free of that for now and I'm sure I'll write about it eventually, just not when it's a "should" write about that, but instead a "want to" write about that.

I'm going to write instead about something very currently important.

Dear Love,

I need to talk to you about Boxing Day.

Yes, December 26th. It's on a Saturday this year.

(It's not important that it's on a Saturday, I was just pointing it out because I'm nervous.)

So here the thing... Boxing Day is a big deal for my mom's side of the family; it's a big family reunion and all that jazz.

And, well, I was kinda hoping you would be able to come this year.

BUT that probably won't happen (let's face it, the window of time is a little unrealistically small even with it months away), so that sucks.

My extended family is made of great people, but still this annual reunion is always a bit of a sour reminder of my singleness.

I'm the youngest one there (besides the kids of the next generation) so it's not entirely unreasonable that I am one of the only two single people remaining, but still there's always at least one haha-so-funny cousin that elbows the two of us and says "So... *waggling eyebrows* Who's next?? EhEh?"

Ha ha.

But more than the thought of yet another year arm-candy-less (I've handled that fine enough before now), it sucks in particular that you will (probably) miss THIS year.

...I will not cry.

Seriously, this is upsetting enough on it's own, you poor-timing-ed jerk!!

For every year I can remember, this gathering has been in one place -- my aunt and uncle's farm house.

I love this house and the way that the whole family fits in it and all the memories that have been made there and how they fill my heart to the brim!!  I want you to see it so badly!!

But... This is probably the last year that I will have the opportunity to show it to you... Dang it, now I am crying.

It sucks that I, not only (probably) have to show up single again, but I will maybe never have the chance to be in that house with you possibly... ever...

It was a milestone -- bringing the boyfriend to that reunion at that house -- that I never even thought to imagine not hitting.

I think that's why it sucks so much.

It's sad when you realize you've taken something for granted, but it's especially sad to realize you've realized it too late.

...I wish it wasn't nearly, probably too late.

There's still time, but not very much of it... I believe in us, but even that seems like a stretch, doesn't it?  Who knows, maybe I'll be surprised.

We'll see.

Love, Em.

A Case of the Lonelies: A Misguided Journey to (Maybe) a Better Understanding of Perspective and Empathy

Loneliness kinda sucks, you know?

Everyone does know, I suppose, but I'm realizing that it's really hard for anyone to really empathize with loneliness unless they are also presently feeling lonely.

Turns out my strangely sudden melancholic loneliness has turned me into a philosopher (is philosopher the right word?) and I'm taking you along on a hike through my brain. Try not to get distracted; it's really not safe to wander in here.

First, we need to talk about perspective.

As is often the case with negative things, once you're no longer surrounded by the darkness, it's instinctive to look back and see that what was once overwhelming looks really quite insignificant from the outside.

They call that perspective.

The thing about perspective is that sometimes it lies.

We want to trust our perspective, but we really shouldn't. Have you ever seen an optical illusion? How about a mirage?

Perspective lies to us on both sides of the good-bad cookie; misleading you while you're surrounded by trouble as well as when you are outside looking in.

Perspective isn't a bad guy, though. He's faithful to telling the truth as he sees it. It's not his fault that he doesn't understand his own bias.

But we do. And just like we would if a little kid confidently told us that Santa exists, we shouldn't just blindly accept what perspective says. That's nice, kid, but I know better.

Now that we're on the same page on perspective let's get back to talking about loneliness, shall we.

I really do believe that loneliness is a universal virus. Everyone has had it at some point. Which would mean, one would think, that everyone should be able to empathize with a lonely person; we've all been there, right?

No.

Because perspective is (a liar) unable to see loneliness properly from the outside.

In seeking comfort from people I ran into a couple of well-meaning attempts to help give me a better perspective. I've done it a million times (who hasn't?), and I know they meant well, I'm only pointing it out because it helped me realize something important.

Empathy, by nature, should not be given by someone who isn't currently in the dark with you, or able to go back into the dark in their minds. Attempts at empathy from the "outside" perspective can make things worse... let me try to explain...

Empathy is like a flashlight.

Have you ever tried to navigate through the dark without a light?

Camping used to be a good example of this, but now everyone camps in trailers and no one understands the treacherousness of that walk from the tent to the outhouse in the dead of night with a flashlight that can't illuminate for beans.

My youth group (if anyone from there is reading this) would probably think of a game called Gorgon.  Walking familiar rooms in complete darkness really messes with perspective's view of reality.

Work with me here... Imagine you're surrounded by complete darkness. You know you want to get out, but you don't know which way. So you focus; try to force your eyes to adjust so you can see something, anything to give you a clue. You feel a little helpless. Maybe a lot helpless. You call out for help.

Two scenarios of what happen next:

One. A well-meaning person on the "outside" hears you and wants to help you. They turn on their empathy flashlight and shine it in at you. Here's the problem: their perspective is lying to them about how dark it is "inside". Their light is too bright. You are blinded and you feel like this person doesn't understand anything about what you're going through! It hurts. You can use it -- walking towards it slowly, trying not to open your eyes too much -- but it's uncomfortable.

Two. Somebody in the dark with you (or someone brave enough to walk back in) hears you and wants to help you. They find you in the dark. They turn on their empathy flashlight. (There's a problem here too, sorry to say, because darkness is tricky.) Their perspective (your perspective) is lying to you both about how dark it is "inside". You think the dark is all consuming, and undefeatable. The flashlight is only turned on halfway and pointed at the ground. But that's enough to shift your helpless perspective! You turn on your empathy flashlight too -- slowly so it doesn't hurt your eyes. You and your new friend slowly reimagine the darkness and let your lights shine brighter and farther until you can navigate the way out together.

Both helpful people, but one may prolong hurt, the other may hasten understanding.

I don't know... maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and think this is all nonsense and I should not blog while recently emotional, but right now I'm feeling downright inspired!

Empathy depends on putting aside your perspective and adopting theirs, no matter how wrong it is, until their perspective can understand the truth more clearly than the lies.

Goodnight, Lovelies.

Devo Note 2015.Jun.24

// Psalm 56:3-4 //
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise --
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere man do to me?

I'm not currently afraid, but I want to hold on to these poetic verses. Commit them to memory; cling to them in the next time of struggle. "In God, whose word I praise -- in God I trust and am not afraid."

30 Days of Blogging - Day 30: LAST FREAKING DAY!!

I'm so happy this is the last day!!

It's been a blast, and literally changed my perspective on many things, but I'm hella happy to have reached the last day.

In honor of the last day, this is going to be totally random.

Here, have a collection of little things that didn't manage to make it into the previous 29 days or have just come to my mind now.

1) A Pet Peeve
Drivers who ride on the bumper of the person in front of them to get them to go faster. I want you out of my general driving sphere. It's dangerous, it's distracting for the person in front, and I really can't help but think that you just haven't thought this through. If you are riding close to the bumper in front of you, and that person is focusing more on their rearview mirror than the road in front if then, what happens if something in front of that car forces them to brake surprisingly. They won't see it coming right away (because of you), they slam on their brakes, you are waaay too close to even process that they have braked let alone stop with them. You hit them, they hit someone else, the people behind you hit both of you, and there is a huge accident. BECAUSE OF YOU. Now tell me, were those 5 extra km/h worth it? If you say yes, I want you to hurry up and get so far ahead of me that I won't be involved in your pile up, please and thank you.

2) A Snapchat Story by John Green

3) I Love Tumblr
This is just a fact. Moving on...

4) Twitterpated
;) Is something I might be at present... Twitterpation has a lot more nervousness associated with it than I ever imagined; it's uncomfortable in the happiest way possible and I haven't decided if I'm okay with that or not yet.
I feel like this, but reversed.

I want to have a fifth thing, but I'm suddenly drawing a blank on everything...

Oh well! Naught to be done about it.

This is where I leave you.  Have a splendid day! I'm first going to sleep, but after that I plan to have a splendiphorous day myself :D

30 Days of Blogging - Day 29: AFOMFT, Youtube Channels

You know that feeling when something becomes such a part of your life that you kind of forget there was ever a time that it wasn't there?

Yes?

Then you also probably know the feeling when you meet someone who has no idea that thing exists and suddenly it's like your brain stalls for a moment and the only logical explanation you can think of is that they must be from an alternate universe or something!

Yes?

I had that feeling today.  Re: Youtube

Not the whole site, obviously -- they would have to be living under a stinking rock! No, just some channels that are so integral to MY YouTube experience that it boggles my mind that there are people who watch youtube, but don't know these channels exist.

I will outline them for you now. If you get into any, let me know, we can nerd out together.

Vlogbrothers
Nerdy banter between brothers John and Hank Green. You may have heard of John; he wrote a book you may have heard of... The Fault in Our Stars! And Hank is my favorite nerd of all time. Hence...

Hank Green channels
He has many many channels. Right now, I will insta watch anything from his personal channel hankgreen or his gaming channel Games With Hank or sometimes if he posts anything on hankgames which has been taken over by John playing FIFA which I don't watch. I watch most of the things that appear on SciShow and I'm subscribed to Crashcourse, but I rarely watch them. Hank Green music is nerdily enjoyable for me, but those are usually on Vlogbrothers. His Snapchat is my favorite thing.

Friends of Hank Green
Their little community of friends has a lot of vloggers in it. Michael Aranda whatimdoingrightnow and whatimpwningrightnow, Katelyn Salem, Clair Grosvenor, Matthew Gaydos (also makes the DFTBA Warehouse videos), Jesse from Animal Wonders, to name a few. Good stuff over there in Missoula. I enjoy vloggers, in case you aren't catching on.

We the Kings band members
Not all of them actually, but I like Danny and Lindsay's daily vlogs, and occationally Charles Trippy's.

There are another handful of channels I will instantly watch, but those it doesn't surprise me when nobody knows about them. Really, I'm only surprised how anyone can watch YouTube and not now about John and Hank Green. It's a big site, I get that, but like I said, it has just become so commonplace to me now that I can't even fathom the world that doesn't include them.

Everyone has different things that suck all their time away. YouTube is mine :P

Have a wonderful day, Lovelies. Tomorrow is the last freaking day; I'm so excited!!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 28: Dear Me

There are only two days left! Wow.

I have successfully written 27 blog posts in the last 27 days and yet, here on day 28, I have no idea what to write about for the next 3...

I always knew this day would come... I just thought it would come sooner and that I would fail at this challenge. This is unexpected.

I just have to think...

Aha! Got it! Yeah, I got this :)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Me of April 7th,

Hi there! It's you! Well, it's me... but I guess technically it's... us?

That's weird, let's just move on...

Hey.

I am writing to you from Day 28 of this challenge that you (probably) just wrote the first day of.

Can we talk about that?

(You can't answer because you don't even know I'm writing this so I'm just going to keep going as if you've said yes.)

Good idea, by the way.

Even though it really wasn't your idea per se, since you mostly started because Youtubers were getting into Vlog Every Day in April and you just felt left out and decided to do your own thing, but it was still a good idea.

But it's not going to go anything like you expect. Some of that is good; some of it will bum you out, but even those are good. It's all (mostly) good.

Allow me to debunk all the things you're expecting, since I apparently have a better perspective now.

You're thinking, "I will probably fail."

Wrong! I mean, I realize that is still a possibility, but I know what you're actually thinking, and what you're actually thinking is that you won't even get close to 30, but tada! Here we are! Day 28 baby!

You're thinking, "I will run out of ideas."

Well, yeah... that actually happens... BUT you still manage to write a post on something new every day. On the days when you don't have any idea what to write (cough every day cough cough) the idea will come to you randomly that day, or you'll use google (careful with that one, not all those ideas are the smartest), or you will blog about practically nothing, but it won't be nothing -- it will be something because you typed it and you hit post! Good job, sweetie!

You're thinking, "I will get the blog in before midnight every day!"

Hahahahahahaha allow me to remind you that you're strong suit has never been promptness. You will procrastinate and leave it til you're in bed every day, which most days is before midnight, but I have one word for you... Youth.  But it's okay, you will drop your need for perfection, and the blog will, at the very least, get done before you fall asleep. Huzzah.

You're thinking, "Maybe people will actually read my blog if they know I'm posting daily!"

Nah, that doesn't happen, and you're actually going to learn this fairly soon. Sorry darling, I know this is initially a let down, but I have good news for you anyway (once you're ready to look on the bright side). You will remember that you don't care; you weren't even going to make your blog public at the beginning! This blog and this challenge are first for you and then for whoever cares to read it. And if no one reads it, it does not mean that no one cares.  On the very bright side, there are some posts that you will be happy get buried in the middle for only a VERY diligent reader to find. It's better that way, I promise :)

And I have for you, some things that you haven't even thought of.

You will share about real things, and God things, and weird things, and nerdy things, and some things you love, and some things you don't, and some things that will embarrass you, and some things you wish that the right person would read, and SOMEHOW it all works together!

This will be more of a challenge than you ever thought and you will feel satisfied, and special, and ignored, and confused, and vulnerable, and weird, and happy, and tired, and proud, and like it was all worth it.

You will never want to do this again, but I suspect there will come a day when you forget that... Sorry future us.

You will have things on your blog ideas list from the beginning that you never write, even when you're out of ideas. And even though they are goodish ideas, they are either waaay too much work or not "real" enough when you are in the middle and tired of acting like this is easy.

It will be hard. At times.

But most of all, it will be yours, and you will have accomplished something that you set out to do. Did you hear that? You will finish this! You understand what this means, I don't need to outline it for the world to read, but girl you'd better be happycrying right now and returning my impossible high five or I will be very displeased.

I'm so proud of you.

Love, You from May 4th.

P.S. Yes, you did remembered to wish your big brother a happy birthday :)

30 Days of Blogging - Day 27: Crushing

There are only 3 days left after today!!! Is anyone else freaking out right now? Because I am! I have loved this and it has been an experience completely different from my expectations, but whew, I'm ready for a break! So close!!

Today let's talk about crushes. (As in the "I have a crush on insertname" variety.)

Maybe it's just me growing up, or maybe I've believed it all along, I'm not even sure, but lately I find myself really disliking the act of crushing.

Now that I've started this, I wonder if I can even put it into words properly...

I like the concept of crushes and all things romantically inclined, don't get me wrong! But I'm tired of wasting my time.

Crushing in particular I'm finding to be a time waster. Far more time than I care to admit to even myself is spent in the daydream-flirt-pursuit-disappointment-happy-repeat cycle of crushing; the unknown in particular fueling the need to put more time into figuring out if they like me to.

The frustrating dilemma that I'm running into, however, is that I can SEE the way out of this wasting time that I would rather put towards actually building into relationships (friendly or romantic, not even necessarily with the crush, just in life), but I'm too big of a chicken to do it.

The solution is simple... Ask.

Just like the quintessential schoolyard note: Do you like like me? [ ]yes [ ]no.

All I have to do is ask, and then I will know where things stand and I can skip the unknown part and use my time more happily.

But I'm held in place by this doubt of my, til recently, conviction that I want to be asked, not be the asker.  For years I have thought this, and I have built reasons that I'm having trouble sorting out if I still believe or not.  I've always known that I COULD be the asker, but I've oft wondered if I SHOULD be.

Dang.

If you didn't believe me when I said I'm too chicken, I hope you have no doubt now! Did you read what I just wrote? For YEARS, I have literally managed to convince my nerdy self that my chickeniness is possibly justified!!

Obviously, since I'm writing this post, I'm coming to realize my folly, but chicken is a really hard trait to break, let me tell you!

At some point soon, I'm sure I'll come to the end of my patience with myself in this, but today isn't quite that day yet; I'm sorry to report. There's just so much pressure! How do boys do this? Putting yourself out there royally sucks.

Hopefully, when I finally grow some balls, I won't screw it up.

Wish future me luck! She'll probably need it...

30 Days of Blogging - Day 26: 3D

Heyo! It's late (early), I'm tired and happy, and (hopefully) this will be a quick blog post. Hard to believe that there are only 4 more days!

Tonight I went to the theater and saw a movie in 3D.

Side note: I should not go to exciting movies so late at night. I'm sure I drove several tired friends nuts with my overflowing nerdy excitement. Oops.

Aaanyway, what I want to talk about is 3D. Specifically my dislike of 3D.

Don't get me wrong, I love the promise and potential of 3D movies!

The problem is just that they really aren't worth it to me.

Reason one: I'm already wearing glasses, 2 pairs of glasses on one nose is 1 pair too many.

Reason two: Not to mention that somehow when wearing my glasses and the 3D glasses the 3D doesn't get processed by my brain correctly and I can see double most of the movie.

Reason three: So wear contacts! No. I did wear contacts tonight, which admittedly is a better viewing experience, but contacts are a whole mixed bag of annoying for me. Took me nearly 20 minutes to put them in, because of my astigmatism (my eye is basically pointy) the contacts slip around the whole time, the prescription isn't quite right because I can either get the right prescription at the wrong price or right price with slightly wrong prescription, and they give me a headache.

Reason four: 3D just plain looks wrong to me. Maybe it's just my weirdness, but the picture looks more fake than if I was watching it in 2D.

Reason five: 3D is more expensive. And considering the reasons already mentioned, the cost just isn't worth it too me. Why am I paying more to have a less enjoyable experience?

So, long story short, I would simply RATHER see a movie in 2D.

So why do I do it? The problem comes in when my friends want 3D. Movie watching to me is a social thing; I'm not one of those people who enjoys going to movies solo.

So I do it happily, but I regret it later.

Especially when later I have to stare at a screen to write a blog post even though I have a headache and I'm still disoriented from switching between prescriptions.

But I'm still happy. It was a really good movie. And I'm glad I have nerdy friends.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 25: AFOMFT, Traffic

I'm so tired! My phone died at youth and it only now has revived. About time! It's not like it 2am or anything!! Except it is... I'm so tired.

This one will be a quick one.

I think traffic is beautiful.

I mean, with the exception of the times when it's really quite ugly, which surprisingly is remarkably rare when you think about it.

I just find it mesmerizing, even while in the midst of it, to picture the aerial view.

Pretty metal boxes hurtling at great speeds in a dance that's so complex in it's simplicity.

Vehicles move like I picture water molecules do. The flow of the traffic as each individual unit moves in and among the flow of the others; towards the same goal, but following a unique yet nearly identical path to get there.

I don't know... It's a lovely thing to me.

You know what else is lovely? Sleep.

This countdown will continue later today.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 24: Erg. Also, Imaginary Friends.

I'm not feeling well, yet again! Why??

I am unhappy about this and feel gross and don't really want to do anything let alone figure out what to say today and generally all I feel is erg!

But I've kept this up for 23 days and I'm really not wanting to get so close to the end of this then fail.

So today is day 24 which means that this is the 7th to last post and we are still in the final countdown whether my head hurts or not!

So.

Hmmmm...

Think think think...

...I may have to turn Google again.

*googles*

Ooo! Okay, let's talk about imaginary friends!

I like this! Yes, here we go.

My only really solid memories of having imaginary friends when I was younger go as follows:
(I'm sure there were more, and my mom could probably tell you, but I don't really remember those, I only remember these.)

There were three of them.
I don't remember their names or their genders or their personalities.
But I do remember... that I only talked with them while I was sitting on the toilet.

We had a bathroom that was set up so that the toilet faced the bathtub, and my memory is that the three of them sat on the edge of the bathtub in front of me.

Somehow, it didnt cross my mind that that was maybe kind of inappropriate at all.

What can I say? Some people read magazines, I talked to imaginary people. And let me tell you, I feel like I spent an unusual amount of time doing so!

And I still (kinda) do...

That imaginary conversations in the bathroom thing is still a part of my life...

Only now, I'm in the shower, and the people are real people (even if my imaginings of them may not be) (AND SUDDENLY THIS IS REALLY WEIRD), and I imagine (and kind of do my part out loud) future scenarios that may or may not happen and how those conversations may or may not go.

OH!

No, the scenarios in my head don't involve a shower. To be clear: totally inane scenarios/conversations, I promise... Get your head out of the gutter; no, YOU get YOUR head out of the gutter!

Oh gosh, PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!

It's like day-dreaming, kinda.  It just happens to be a thing that I do while I shower.

...

Perhaps this was a post more wisely written while not sickbrained...

TOO LATE NOW! And I'm waaay to tired to write another post!

Well... This isn't embarrassing AT ALL!

...

...I'm gonna go now.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 23: Bucket List

...Sup?

Oh yeah... 8! DUHNAHNAHNUH!

Let's talk bucket list.

On my list live the following things:
(As always, not a complete list. Also, not required for happiness, just thing that if I have the opportunity to do, I will do.)

1) Travel to (almost) every continent.
I don't really include Antarctica, but the others, yeah, I'd mostly like to see those.

2) Musical Theater.
I was in the chorus of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat at 10, but I'd really like the opportunity to do something musical related again someday.

3) Build a Treehouse.
This one's pretty straight forward, I guess.  It is pretty straight forward, right? Anyone confused?

4) Get married.
Yep.

5) Go to VidCon.
Google it. I want to go someday. It's nerdy, I'm nerdy... The end.

I always run out of steam on these lists after five things!  It's bedtime, folks.  If you wanna leave a comment telling me things on your bucket list that would be pretty cool. Always looking for new ideas ;)

30 Days of Blogging - Day 22: Goodbye Church [Building]

9! DUHNAHNAHNUH!

Tomorrow we hand over the keys to our church building. It has finally sold.

It's strange, this feeling of happysad...

Goodbyes kind of suck no matter how much you're expecting them, you know.

And, in this case, this goodbye has even been hoped and prayed for for YEARS!

I'm looking forward to this next chapter for my little congregation. I know, from the last time that we were in this position, that these changes in routine really bring everyone together again.

It's going to be frustrating renting a space again, but I do love the space that we'll be in. It has such lovely acoustics :) and it literally brings us closer together. Get it? Because it's small!

God is doing something. We're just trusting. It's all for his glory.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 21: Geocaching

10! (This is the beginning of the countdown DUHNAHNAHNUH)

I just added an update w/ picture to Day 12 so check that out fo shizzle if you are interested in picturing my weirdness.

For today, however, I would like to talk at you about Geocaching.

What is geocaching? Allow me to quote the website.
Geocaching is a real-world, outdoor treasure hunting game using GPS-enabled devices. Participants navigate to a specific set of GPS coordinates and then attempt to find the geocache (container) hidden at that location. 
Facebook has started this "One Year Ago Today..." thing (which explains why so many people have been talking nostalgic-like as of late on my FB feed) and turns out that exactly one year ago today is when I found my first geocache.

It was a tiny magnetic container stuck to the underside of a walking bridge.


Sadly, it has since been muggled (which is the smartypants term for when someone who is assumed to not be a geocacher harms/destroys a cache), but I still walk over that bridge all the time and smile.

I haven't tried to find many caches since, and I only have about a 50% success rate, but it is a really fascinating activity that I would wholeheartedly recommend everyone try at some point.

There are a TON of caches, literally all over the world.







As a reference, this is a screenshot of the livemap of geocaches in and around Grande Prairie.

Every green box thing is a cache.

There are 98 caches in this picture alone, and this whole picture is only a teenyteenytiny dot on the world map.






Try it. It's the most fun and most frustrating futile activity I've ever taken part in, and it's always a gamble what you're gonna get!

Things I wish I'd know (or paid more attention to):

- Start easy, start happy. Maybe with one in a parking lot (it's probably hiding in the base of a light pole).

- Download the app. Also, read the recent comments on the cache to see how recently it was found and if there are any hints.

- Don't trust the GPS on your phone. DON'T DO IT!! It is not very precise and it can only get you to a plus/or/minus amount of meters. I've spent far too much time staring down at my phone walking around like a goof because my phone can't decide if the GPS is pointing to the garbage can in the parking lot or the picnic table behind me or the fence over there or...

- Go with friends, but choose wisely.  DON'T take anyone who gets bored easily. DON'T take anyone who isn't interested (you will not be able to change their mind quick enough, trust me). DO go with someone who has experience, if you can.  And DO go with people you can frustrated with and still have a good time.

I personally think it's a blast and I look forward to more finds in the future :)

Toodles for now my lovelies! I can't believe there are only 9 more days!!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 20: AFOMFT, Random

Two-thirds of the way!!!

Also.... IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN DUHNUHNAHNUH!

For this special occasion (and also just because I feel like it), here are few of my random favorite things from today:
-- Frisbee Golf
-- Frozen Yogurt
-- Board Games
-- Graph Paper Doodling
-- My Church Family

That's mostly it. Five is a nice number of things in a list anyway. Goodnight world!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 19: Quote of the Day

"I'm weird. Well... you're weirder."
-- my mother, to me.

Yes. Can't you just feel the love?

Just joking :) I love my mother and if SHE hadn't qualified her first statement, I probably would have. 

And she tried so hard to keep a straight face so that made it totally worth it!

I am most certainly the weirdest person I know.  And my mother, apparently, agrees :D

I'll try to make a more thought out blog post tomorrow, but for now... Toodles!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 18: Creativity

Still sick...

Nearly forgot that I even had to blog today.

What to say, what to say, what to say?

Hmmm...

Did you know that I'm a very creative person?

There's a lot of forms of creativity that I couldn't do to save my life, but the ones that I can do I sure wouldn't enjoy living without.

I can crochet, knit, knook (knit with a crochet hook), sew, cross stitch, papercraft, and design. (And more, I'm sure, that I just can't think of.)

I can paint so long as it's solid things like walls or geometric prints, but don't ask for a flower or sunset.

I can draw so long as it's on graph paper or it's very simple, but even my stick figures don't look like stick figures sometimes.

I don't go a day without creating in some form, and I don't think I would want to.

Creativity is one of my favorite things.

That's all I've got for today. If you'll excuse me, I have more sickness to go sleep off.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 17: Cursive Typewriter

I've been sick today and I don't even think I could make a fancy blog post if I tried.

Instead I will just tell you that someday I want to own a cursive typewriter.

I didn't even know they existed til yesterday, but now I do, and I wants one.

They cost a pretty penny (or you know, more like 20,000 pretty pennies, at least), but they're so pretty.

And the cursive typing is enough to make my nerd heart sing in happiness.

I mean... See for yourself!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 16: Zodiac

Perhaps my promise of silliness returning today was premature; what I have in mind is a little more on the serious side.

I have a confession (of sorts) to make.

A couple days ago when I googled an idea for what to blog on, the post I ended up posting was actually the second one that I typed up.

The first was in response to the prompt, "What is your zodiac sign and how does it match your personality?"

I thought, "Ha! This should be a goofy one! Why not give it a whirl?"

So I googled it. And I spent far more time on astrology websites than I ever have before.

Far too much time, I think now.

I was bouncing around between the websites and the blog post, making a list of all of the things that were true to my personality and the (admittedly, surprisingly few) ones that were not, when it just... started to feel uncomfortable.

I didn't understand it at the time so I just deleted what I had written and literally changed the subject, but I've had some time to think about it and I'd like to share what I've come up with.

Going into that post, I was under the mistaken impression that I would find mainly things that were wrong.

What, in fact, ended up happening is that a lot of it was shockingly right.

I found myself going from site to site just trying to find something that was false, and it was proving to be kinda hard.

I didn't (and really, really still don't) agree with the theology on the sites, but the bullet points about "me" were hard to argue with.

There was a lot of truth on those websites.

And the truths there wanted me to believe them, believe IN them.

But the Holy Spirit in my heart reminded me that I have witnessed real Truth, and those "truths" couldn't measure up to it.

The Truth I know is one that does not reduce "me" to a set of predestined bullet points, but one that sets the real me free.

A Truth that speaks of grace in the face of my real depravity; of the Truest form of love in spite of my real sins and shortcomings.

It offers me a peace beyond all understanding.

Those websites couldn't do that.  The truths there left me confused and burdened.

I don't like to feel that way, but over the last few days as I have reflected on those feelings, I'm grateful for them.

They have shown me that I have forgotten how lost I was before I was found; how hopeless I was before there was real grace.

Nothing in the world can offer me anything better than that.

Forgive me, God, for coming to this place of taking your peace and hope and grace and the security you offer though Jesus Christ for granted.  May I continue to be reminded that these are your free gifts to me, and my mother didn't raise me to be ungrateful.  Help me, Holy Spirit, to seek an attitude of thankfulness, not entitlement; to live gratefully, not expectantly.  Thank you for your mental protection when I go off unprepared for the spiritual war that I will face.  Thank you for continuously teaching me.  I love you, too.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 15: Spoilers

HALF WAAAYY!!!!

Whoop whoop!!

Can we talk about spoilers? Thanks.

Please, let's all (yes, including me) expand our understanding of what a spoiler is.

Just because you don't actually say anything about the plot does not mean that what you are saying is not a spoiler.

Don't say it made you cry, or that you didn't see the twist coming, or that the ending left you frustrated, or that it was the BEST movie/TV show/book EVER!

In fact, if you know that the person you are talking to is planning to watch/read whatever you are talking about, just don't say anything. Don't. Say. Anything. Don't even let your emotions show, just avoid the whole subject.

Whatever spoilery thing you say or do (even accidentally) will make that person go in with expectations that they wouldn't have had if you had just done nothing.

Have some patience; wait until they've had the chance to experience it as you did.

Please and thank you?

After -- if it's me anyways -- we can totally nerd out on our shared unspoiled experience.

This has been my public service announcement, tomorrow we will return to our normally scheduled silliness, I promise :D

30 Days of Blogging - Day 14: Favorite Thing on the Internet Right Now

That this video and this video became THIS VIDEO

And that that song is now being performed LIVE by a group of very, very talented people that I really hope I have an opportunity to go see perform someday if they ever do another tour (especially if they come to Canada)!
http://edwardspoonhands.com/post/116832393125/youtube-fan-adict-you-got-batman-entirely

The internet is an amazing thing sometimes :)

That's all for today, Lovelies. Whoohoo two weeks down! This makes me so happy!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 13: Never Have I Ever

Whew! Today was a long and busy one; full of good things, but even good things can be tiring.

I'm so tapped out that today I'm going to turn to google to give me a blog prompt.

*googles blogging challenge prompts*

Hmmm.... "What's one thing you've never done that most people have?"

Sure, why not.

I've never been on a date.

Ta-da!

Is this sad? Possibly.
Is it bad? I don't think so.

It just hasn't been.

The last time I was even asked out it was to the school dance and I was 11 and they (yes THEY) were 12. The two boys asked me at the same time while our grade 5/6 split class was walking to the school library. I thought they were waaaay too old for me and that I was waaaay too young to be dating.  I said no.

Gosh has it really been nearly 14 years?

I can easily say that a year hasn't gone by since then that I haven't wanted to go on a date.  But at the same time, looking back, I'm glad I didn't have the opportunity.  Well, maybe glad is the wrong word, but I feel a strange sort of gratefulness that I didn't have to deal with the complications of relationships before I had an understanding of emotions, and communication, and trust, and my value, and how to give grace, and basically just how complicated it can all be.

I feel like I have a decent grasp on it all now, but not a year has gone by since that fateful trip to the library that I haven't looked back and seen yet another thing that I have learned that will equip me for later.

But, you know, anytime now would be great; I can continue to learn in the field and figure it out as I go, I'm sure! :)

Latergators.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 12: I'm Weird, Episode 2

Et voila! We have arrived at Day 12!

Why is that exciting?  I have no idea, but here we are so lets enjoy ourselves!

On this grand(ish) occasion, I present to you...

3 [More] Ways That Emmi is Weird
(still, not even close to a comprehensive list)

1.  When I wear headphones, I play with the cord in my mouth
Gross, I know.  I don't MEAN to do it!  And when I notice I (usually) remove it.  And I don't like chew on it or anything!  I just wrap it around one of my canines and let it hang out there.  Why am I even telling you this?  Seriously, I'm an odd duck folks.

2.  I won't turn down your Facebook request, I will just let you hang out in limbo forever.
Sorry.  (This doesn't actually apply to anyone reading my blog, probably.)  Somehow it feels less permanent and insulting (even though they probably won't know) to just not do anything.  I'm kinda picky about the people that I'm friends with on Facebook.  So, yeah, I have 12 friend requests pending (presumably) forever. Hey! One of them is my Uncle! ...oops.

3.  When I'm bored (and even sometimes when I'm not), I put things on my head
Again, without thinking! Especially if it is box shaped, but I really will do it with most anything.  Am I holding a roll of tape?  On my head it goes.  Do I have a book in my hands?  Up on the head!  Have I just emptied a laundry basket or a fruit box?  You guessed it, it's up there.  This has become so commonplace that my family doesn't even notice it anymore.  A while ago, I had a whole conversation with my mom while I had an empty laundry basket on my head AND SHE WASN'T EVEN PHASED!

I keep telling people!  I'm weird; we all just need to accept it and move on :)  Everyone ends happy.

Byebye for now!


Edited on Day 21:
I just now had the thought to update this, but only after I had been sitting here talking to my dad for several minutes with a cucumber box on my head. Why is it on my head? Because it was empty and just sitting on the table between us. I saved it from it's loneliness, so I ask you instead, why not?

Yes, of course, I took a picture.  Yes, my eyes are slightly cross-eyed and my face is ridiculous.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to take a selfie while balancing a wide box on your head?  It is quite difficult.

I could have tried again (and gotten a better result, preferably in landscape form), but my dad was making fun of me and I had already interrupted our conversation (that was progressing just fine while I had a box on my head) to take a picture so I though it was wise to just leave it at this.

In case you were wondering, yes, I continued to wear it for quite some time :)

30 Days of Blogging - Day 11: Cool Runnings

Cool Runnings is a great movie!

That's really all I have to say :)

If you haven't seen it, I don't know if we can still be friends.

Just kidding! We can be friends, but know that at some point I will probably make you watch it.

If we're in that kind of relationship where
1) We even watch movies together, and
2) You don't mind me picking the movie.

If you have seen it, let's watch it together sometime anyway!

Just tell me when :)

30 Days of Blogging - Day 10: Semicolon

I'm a big fan of the semicolon, but today I saw it used in a whole new and exciting way.

(No, this is not a boring language post.)

(I'm sorry if you got excited thinking this was going to be an awesome language post.)

This morning on Facebook, a friend who has struggled with depression linked to this:


Which I immediately fell in love with.  I realize that it's primarily intended as an anti-suicide thing, but the nerd in me appreciates the fact that a semicolon isn't always just a choice to not end; it's also to connect.  And in doing so, bring more understanding of how to perceive both sides.

I'm not currently depressed, nor was I ever diagnosed with anything, but I don't think anyone is spared from sadness, or loss, or loneliness, or heartbreak, or worry, etc.

We all need the reminder that the darkness is not going to last forever; it doesn't even have to last til the end of the sentence, and understanding the hard times is easier when you consider the good also. Whether that's the good that may come, or the knowledge of past hurt OVERcome, or just seeing that there are two sides to the current cookie and you have a choice of which side you choose to focus on.


Throughout the day, the glimpse of this on my wrist reminded me to choose the bright side of whatever situation I found myself in. It was really powerful, actually.

I suspect that I will do it more often than just today. Especially on hard days.

It made such an impact on my headspace that I actually, momentary considered it as a tattoo.  I have always appreciated the concept of having a meaningful tattoo, but I have never seriously considered it to be something I would ever want. Until today. Maybe. The jury is still out.

That's all for today, darlings. Toodles!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 9: Plastic Spoons

Am I the only one who think plastic spoons are designed really dumb?

Like the ones that you can get everywhere; molded plastic, stupidly shaped, rough-edged-cut-your-lip pieces of junk!

No other plastic utensil is that poorly designed, why is the spoon so dumb?

Forks have perfectly, smoothly molded tines (though admittedly, occasionally too dull for actual food-stabbage), why are there so few smooth edged spoons?

And the shape! Whose idea was it to design them so that you are forced to cut your lip to use them?

It's dumb. And so is this rant. And so are my useless lip wounds just because I wanted to enjoy some Tim Horton's chilli.

:) silly rant over.  Goodnight!

30 Days of Blogging - Day 8: Blegh

So... today is nearly over...

If someone were to ask me right now, "Hey, use one word to describe today!" I would most certainly say, "...Blegh."

It kinda sucked to be honest.

No real solid reasons. It was just one of those days that just leaves you feeling discouraged and unaccomplished, you know?

I've made it through days like today before, but honestly, at the moment, I can't remember how yet.

God and crying, probably.

And the spoken word piece in the Bellarive song "Tendons (The Release)" and reading some Romans.

// Romans 7:21-25a // I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. //

30 Days of Blogging - Day 7: But God...

// Ephesians 2:1-5 NLT // Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil -- the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) //
2:4 We were dead in our sins, but God . . . We were rebels against him, but God . . . We were enslaved by the devil and our sinful natures, but God . . . These may be the two most welcome words in all of Scripture: "but God." God could have left us spiritually dead, in rebellion against him and in bondage to our sins. But he didn't. He did not save us because of, but rather in spite of, what he saw in us.  In addition to thanking him for what he has done for us, we should also show humble patience and tolerance for others who seem unworthy or undeserving of our love and compassion. They may be spiritually dull, rebellious, and even antagonistic toward God. So were we; but God loved us anyway. Can we do less for fellow sinners? 
This is one of my favorite passages of Scripture and it's accompanying study note in my bible.

This face-to-face understanding of how desperately we are (were) lost in our depravity without the love of God and the sacrifice of his Son has been a favorite for years, but it has come back to mind again recently.

I think too often when we talk about the concept of "becoming a Christian" we lose the focus of how utterly sinful we are, and how undeserving of anything from God we are (let alone TOTAL FORGIVENESS!). But God! Not because of anything we have done or CAN DO, but because of who He is.

// Ephesians 2:8-9 NLT // God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. //

Our ONLY part (seriously, the only thing that we are even able to do) in this whole shebang is belief. And even when we hadn't believed yet (or even after when we've screwed up), he gave his grace freely anyway, because this is His party and he can save if he want to.

But the other thing I feel like we too often mess up in this whole "we're all Christians" thangy, is the truth that we are ALL sinners, even still.  Christianity isn't some magic "Sin Be Gone Forever" potion! It is a daily thing. A daily dying to self and sinful desires, and embracing the power of the Holy Spirit that we have been freely given, in order to be able to make a stand against the sin in our lives.

WE LITERALLY CANNOT DO IT WITHOUT HIM!!

No one can. And that's kind of my point. Everyone -- from you and your family and neighbors, to your enemies and the worst of sinners that make pat yourself on the back and think "Hey, at least I'm not doing that!" (self-righteousness is a bad look on you, I promise) -- is a sinner who God has ALREADY loved so much that He stepped in to pay the ultimate price.

Our sin is no different in it's separating-from-God effect than the sin of the next guy or next after that. Show them love and extend them grace, tell them that God is a God of Buts (on second though, maybe don't say it quite like that...) don't condemn them or persecute them for their sin (their lifestyle or their beliefs).

That's not our part in this whole shebang.

// By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. //

30 Days of Blogging - Day 6: Recent Enjoyable Tumblr Posts

Lazy day today (especially considering I'm late again :P)

Here are 5 Tumblr posts that I recently found interesting (and also, some of the only posts I've actually reblogged because I'm new to Tumblng and I keep forgetting to not just be a stalker).






Tooooodles, Darlings

30 Days of Blogging - Day 5: AFOMFT, TV Shows

In today's episode of A Few Of My Favorite Things... TV SHOWS!!

Specifically, currently airing TV shows that I am keeping up to date on.

Honorable mentions:
- Agent Carter (Because it's not currently having new episodes, but it better be getting them eventually! And you had better bet I will watch them as soon as they do!)
- Agents of Shield (I'm behind because I was so sad Agent Carter was done.)
- Sherlock (As soon as it's back, imma be allll over that. Duh.)
- The Musketeers (It flits on and off my radar every couple of weeks, but is currently off of it,)

Shows I sometimes wish I was keeping up to date on again, but haven't watched for a while:
- Castle
- NCIS
- The Walking Dead
- Perception
- Murdoch Mysteries

But back to the real list... in no particular order:
- Survivor
- Arrow
- Flash
- Bones
- The Big Bang Theory

And finally, some of (because I can't think of them all, and some are probably best left with my younger perspective of them) the shows that aren't current, but if they were, I would probably watch at least the first episode:
- Friends, House, Gilmore Girls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Chuck, 7th Heaven, The Mole, ER, Joan of Arcadia, and definitely more, but I'm tired of scrolling through the internet in order to remember them.

Goodness, TV is a bit of a life sucker isn't it...

On that happy note, goodnight :)

30 Days of Blogging - Day 4: Youth Ministry

Apparently the lesson from day 2 didn't fully sink in yet... Especially taking into account that on Fridays I'm rarely home before midnight thanks to Youth. Case in point... It is 1:40am and I'm finally home.

So technically I missed making a post on day 4, but I haven't fallen asleep yet so the day isn't really over.

I'm gonna let it slide.

Anyways, what I really want to talk about today is the Youth Ministry. I've mentioned it on the blog before, but I don't think I've ever really explained anything about it.  Allow me to timeline it for you now...

2002
12 year old Emmi joins the Youth Group. She's young, she's shy, and she's going through a lot (at least it feels like it).  This year she misses a lot of school because of still unexplained health issues and ends up dropping out of the public school mid-semester and opting for correspondence.  Youth, though she doesn't feel like she fits in, becomes a very important part of weekly life.

2003-2007
The Youth ministry is an ever evolving thing, with Youth Leaders changing out semi-regularly and the Youth themselves growing up and out of the age bracket. Young Emmi grows up too and gets progressively more and more involved in different ministries at the church. She becomes less shy, though it still pops up every now and then, and life continues to be tough, though when isn't it, really?

2007-2008
Eventually the new batch of youngens grows up into the age bracket, but the gap in ages is uncomfortably big (at least it feels like it). But Leaders are few, so the older girls, myself included, become the Senior Youth and we proceed to be our own leaders. (It seemed like a good idea at the time...). I really enjoyed this quasi leadership thing, though in retrospect, I was sorely unqualified.

2008-2009
Young Emmi is finally 18/19 and begins to be involved as a leader-in-training for the Junior Youth. Which is to say I showed up, because there really wasn't much training being done. The leadership in this time was strong. It was awesome.

2010
We lose a lot of youth and leaders to church switching. In the spring I begin to think I'm too young to be taking on as much leadership as is suddenly being expected of me, and I share this with my fellow remaining youth leaders. God must have had other plans though, because within a month suddenly I was the ONLY 'senior' leader left. For the remaining month and a half before summer, me and the older youth were just figuring it out as we went.

2010-2012
I find myself being the 'most experienced' youth leader that we have.  I make it work. Each year I'd get a new batch of bible school student, and we figured it out. There were always a couple of months where the college students would be done their schooling (and thusly, off on their merry way) and the senior youth, myself, and whomever felt called to be involved would make sure that the Ministry stayed alive.

2012-2014
I become the official Youth President.  There are many months where I am literally the only leader. I learn more than ever before what it means to rely on God.  I rarely feel like I'm the leader the group needs or deserves; I just happen to be the one it has. I do my best. I develop more meaningful relationship with as many youth as I can, and truly this of period of time is the utmost highlight of the whole experience. I was (and still am) not even close to the ideal leader. But this period gave me the opportunity to actually devote my time to the youth and not to having to manage a bunch of here-today-gone-tomorrow college students, and my life was filled with the blessing of friendships with a lot of awesome people.

2014-now
I've handed over the reins to the next up-and-comer (sad to say, he probably feels the same way I felt in the position) in preparation for leaving (eventually, someday, hopefully).  I'm still there, doing mostly the same things, just less involved in the planning and responsibility.

It has been on my mind a lot lately how the last several years were certainly life-changing and totally invaluable to my growth and the growth of a lot of the Youth, but at the same time, I wish it could have been different.

More training, stronger/wiser leadership, less apathetic youth and leaders, more gospel fire.  I don't even know.

I'm praised (for lack of a better word) for my commitment and steadfastness, and the impact I've had on the youth.

But I can't help but wonder how much more could have been done if the years had not gone as they did.

I'm equal parts sad, and proud, and encouraged, and scared, and satisfied, and disheartened, and worried, and hopeful.  Which is a really annoying headspace to be in.

I love my little youth group, I hope I've done and continue to do them well.

Until later today, Lovelies.

30 Days of Blogging - Day 3: AFOMFT, Driving

Say hello to my new type of post:
A Few Of My Favorite Things

Today's Episode: Driving

I love, love, love driving!

I love short drives, and road trips, and taking the long way on purpose!

I love driving standard and feeling the car attached to my feet!

But even more than just driving (okay, not more, but very close to the same, which is to say, a LOT) I love the things that happen in the car.

Some of the best conversations I've ever had have happened in the car. Seriously, I love in the car talks.

Music sounds different. And I usually like the things that stand out differently in the car. (Not to mention I am unashamedly a belt-it-out-in-the-car singer which probably helps.)

The camaraderie of road trips, and travel buddies, and the car filled with everything but the kitchen sink and feeling so cozy until you get out and realize how tightly you were packed in, then feeling so weird when you re-enter until a couple kilometers down the road when you've finally settled back in. (Lather, rinse, repeat at every stop.) (Just me?)

I also really enjoy watching vlogs where the person is just talking in the car. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. Almost enough that maybe someday I'll try it. Who knows?

But mostly I really love being behind the wheel. I'm savoring this joy of my singledom and the liberty it gives of allowing me to always (or at least, frequently) be the driver. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll find a guy who doesn't mind taking turns ;)

But now it's certainly bedtime and I must go dream of road trips with a vague manshape. Will he be in the passenger seat sometimes? We'll see :D

Goodnight, Lovelies!